Death...

I hate it when people use euphemisms about death!!! No, you do not wake up in a better place and no you don't go to heaven! I have a lot to say about this and no time so will get to it later.


PS: I know it helps us get along but it's just a blatant lie and I don't appreciate it!

Updated: It is so ironic that right now I would love to say this euphemism to someone and be able to believe it.To be able to convince them. And yet it eludes me as I struggle to find words.

The unuttered....

Its been forever since I wrote. Yes, words seem to elude me and I try to avoid having to pen down anything anywhere while I hope that soon I will have to get it out. And I hate this feeling. The feeling of sitting at the keyboard waiting to write something that probably doesnt want to be written. And surprisingly it is just like words. Words that you don't say but which don't die. You try hard to forget them but they stick, unuttered. That's the fascinating thing about words, they're beautiful and alluring and just rarely they vapourise. Most of the times they appear, an expression of what you think, believe and feel. :)

Does it make sense to anyone?

As I scan through the news I read about lots of things that go wrong with the world. There are earthquakes and tsunamis and floods and like that wasn't death enough people decide to go out there and kill each other themselves blinded by a dozen reasons. Reasons that make sense on paper and in conference rooms as great minds discuss strategies and combat ad move the pieces of pawn. And yet on the field it translates to lives. It means that someone will not see the morning the next day, will not hit the bed at night and curse about how life sucks coz someone took that life away and there will be someone who will yearn for him to come back as the emptiness of the night creeps in. But he that was swallowed will never come back. To them it won't make sense; why tomorrow should not have some and yet have some.

And then there will be me and thousands like me who will scan the news and lament over the loss of these lives. Except that they will just be numbers to me. Numbers that though horrifying are just numbers. Numbers that I will soon forget as I wake up to a new tomorrow. Once in a while one of these numbers will find a face, a voice and a name in a book or a movie and I will mourn the waste. Till the face is blurred by a flurry of days. 

Do I regret that?? No, I don't. Harsh as it may sound I'm glad they are just numbers. I don't think I have the capacity or the horizon to give names to the multitudes lost. They will always mean something to only a few and become part of the statistics for the rest of us. It's the way it is meant to be. Throughout life we pass by thousands of people in various ways and only some are meant to stay with you as the years fade away. Once in a while you'll miss the ones that went separate ways. (There I digress a little.)

I don't know how the Presidents and the Prime Ministers and their army of minds sleep at night knowing that their decision or their judgement could have cost a life. A few thousand lives! And just what if it was a mistake? What if you made an error? How do you then tell yourself that you won't repeat it?! How do you tell those who are not here anymore that you made a mistake? Cause now they are not here any more!! And yet someone has to make those decisions. Because in the grand scheme of things your chickening out won't always save lives! There will always be other factors beyond your control who will force you to make these choices. You just sure as help hope that you're right or that a pricking conscience doesn't keep you up like it might keep some. 

Choices

When does one start having a choice?? I don't know when was the first time I shook my head and told mom that I wanted the blue toffee instead of the red one. When I shook my head to tell her I'm not hungry or that I don't like that icky looking spoonful she is trying to feed me.

But these weren't the important choices. The important choices would have been whether I wanted to go to school or not? Whether I wanted wanted to dance or play basketball. And I'm not saying that things have been forced on me.

But just when do children exactly start making their own choices? When should they be allowed to choose their paths? When we know that now they'll choose like we teach them to? What should they be allowed to choose? (Yes, I think I can safely say that I have crossed the line. :P )

We guide them and direct them into seeing the world as we see it. We teach them to appreciate what we appreciate and value what we value. And sometimes I wonder which bit would've been me if not for some influence or another.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. When you enter this world and stare at the plain blue sky you need someone to tell you, you can fly if you get out. To tell you not to scorch yourself as you scale distances. To hold your hand and show you what the ground feels like. The only trouble is when we don't see the world clearly ourselves. When we try to impose what is not for us to impose!

It is very tricky and a lucky few get it right.

Holi

I just realised how much I miss mom and Shivali on holi. I'm not really that big on taking colours and acting like a nutcase.  But they were always so excited. Right since morning. I remember even as kids Shivali couldn't wait to start messing the house. Right since she woke up. Or sometimes the day before only. :) And I tried my best to stay clean till as long as I could. Till I was finally bullied by mom and Shivali and become a mega mess. It was like they couldn't get enough of messing the crap out of me till I probably had purple scalp and blue nails!!

Yes, they bullied dad too. :)

And I miss that. I miss mom forcing me to get out of the house and enjoy the day. She tried from there but it doesn't work unless she is there to drag me along.

I love you guys and I miss you a lot. Every bit of it. And for a change I wish that you could put every damn colour on me much against my will. I wish.....

I have no clue what is there in this post but it was incomplete so I'm gonna go ahead and write something so I can publish it. You've been warned. Probably.

Remember that time I was all like there are gnomes in my brain and that they are  little wonky cause really being caged in someone's brain would totally turn you that way especially considering that well brains are not really the most friendly places to be in especially if its a brain like those in Harry Potter V in which case I really pity the gnomes or whoever is trapped. Though coming to think of it the reason those brains must be acting all evil and all is because the gnomes or whosoever had become Evil. Anywho I deviate.

What I've come to realise is that I have no freaking clue how I came to write this post in the first place since I abandoned it after the deviation and that doesn't give me any clues as to where I could possibly have been going with all that rant. Anywho I still decided to continue writing and take it somewhere I guess because I really don't like incomplete drafts and I am beginning to have too many of them that I never complete or post. So blog bitch its not happening now coz I am going to finish it even if I have no freaking clue why I was talking about gnomes in the first place. It is highly possible that they were rampaging the crevices in which they hide causing me to forget what I was saying except that now it has been so freaking long since I started writing this thing that I can't even go ahead and say its all the fault of the gnomes!!

Anywho so I was out last evening watching the calm sea and the buildings and the lights. It was a really beautiful place and I could sit there staring forever. (ok you know not forever) And then as the sun disappeared too many lights appeared out of nowhere giving shape and meaning to the things that would have been swallowed by the darkness of the night otherwise. The skyline of buildings unknown and the castle that holds princesses and dreams and fairies and unicorns(there actually was a castle we could see. No kidding)!! I love watching the reflection of these lights in the water. Shimmering, shifty, mysterious, trying to find a form, a shape. One with the water, the waves and the ripples. I stare at it trying to find pretty words that would make it more beautiful but I know there are none that  might help. I wonder why we do that?! Trying to put into words memories and feelings and such pictures as if they are not concrete on their own. (Atleast I do that sometimes.)

Ahh well to complete this super random post I'm going to tell about the most awesome coffee cup that I just bought! Better still......

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... :D *grins like an idiot and almost does a little happy dance*

(I know the pic barely does justice to the cup but ahhh well... :D )

Pending Mail

Dear lost me,

I'm not sure what has happened but just when you thought you had all the time in the world to scribble away and get it out of your system the words got lost on the way. There are too many incomplete posts and unsaid things that you need  to get out of the way!!

Anywho this is the first step towards that and revamping of this space. So hoping to see you back on track. :)

Yours truly,
The sane you.


Dear NUS,

I don't wanna die at this tender age. You're trying your best so try and let me survive will you? I know it's kinda hard for you but we can work on it together. *a really flattering smile* I'm glad to be back if we're both going to give it a shot. (that's a lie but I hope it works!)

I won't ruin anything with more words but cheers to you not screwing me!

Yours truly,
Wary of the new sem.


Dear home,

I miss you a lotttttttttttt. Like really really really really a lot! Miss everything about you. (Like everything! ;) ) Ya to you I just wanted to say you were superrrrr awesome and I hope to be back soon! :D

Yours truly,
Missing you a heck lot.

Grey's Anatomy

So now I’m waiting in the waiting area for my flight and there seems to be some more time and nothing to do! The end of another holidays. For some reason this waiting area gives me a very sad feeling like I wasn’t happy the last time I was here. Anywho not the point. The point is the holidays were awesome and I didn’t want them to end. I never really do even if I miss Singapore once in a while. And well I did nothing productive throughout the break much unlike what I wanted and yet much like what was to be expected! (seriously I am pretty much hopeless like that! Le sigh.). But I digress. What I actually wanted to say was that in the spirit of being unproductive and jobless I saw a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. And it is super awesome so if you haven’t seen it you should give it a shot! J

And every time I see it among the other things that I ponder over, one is how some professions have so little leeway for mistakes! If I make little mistakes and forget things, that I’m very much prone much to, much to my chagrin, sometimes its okay! It doesn’t stop the world and more often than not the only one who pays for it is me!  But some people can’t afford those mistakes! Like surgeons and firemen and policemen and presidents and soldiers. They don’t get the benefit of doubt. If they screw up other people pay and so does their conscience.  

Which brings me to another reason why I love grey’s. They care. All the doctors. They have a conscience. When your job is like theirs it’s amazing if you can save your conscience. Something is wrong the day you don’t flinch when you say you’re sorry, when you don’t stop to wonder if all you did was enough, when it doesn’t sadden your heart even a little bit at having lost a life. And yet when that is what you do every day it requires courage and character to be that.

And the question that always turns up when I see it is if I could be like that (that is assuming I could cram all the shit that they do in my tiny little brain and for some reason be fascinated with cutting up and putting together body parts! Ohh yes they are fascinated by it. I know right!! Baffles me too). Would I have come through with flying colours? I’d like to say yes but I know I don’t have the answer to that except that it is daunting.  

Love everyone??

And every other wise person and religion and smart quote asks you to love everyone unconditionally. Hate is a waste of a life that is too short so spread the love around.

But hard as I might try (I don't try that hard also) I can't convince myself that I should love everyone. Love is special and unique. It is not something dished out in charity to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Dish out sympathy and pity if you want but don't degrade love. What is that love even worth if you have to do nothing to deserve it?

Is there nothing that differentiates the flee-ridden-mooch who is a parasite to the society and that person who actually means something to the world and to you? There is. There is a big difference and that is how you react to that person!! Love is not a gift by virtue of fate or coincidence but something that you earn by being who you are. It is that highest accolade you could give to anyone for being who they are to you and the world.

While I don't promote hate as a way of life that eats away at your very core I know it is inevitable. Some people ask for it and the best you can do is delete these people from life. (If you can kill them and not get caught good for you. This doesn't mean I am promoting people killing each other out of hatred. More along the lines of erasing them from your life. Just thought should clarify!) They are not worth even a glance let alone a feeling that occupies your mind leaving little space for better things of life.

There are lots of mushy and cliched things that people have said about love numerous times so I'm not gonna spring them on you here except the fact that not everyone has to be loved! Atleast by you.


PS: Finally finishing the tons of incomplete posts. Hopefully the trend shall continue! :D

I love India

Before I knew what India is and what to love means I was taught to say and believe that I love my country. And before I knew it I was happy when we won a match, on the defensive for India and disappointed everytime we lost. I never questioned how the hopes of a million strong could rest on 11 guys?? (Yes, cricket illustrates my point like nothing else) It did not matter why I went out of my way to defend and fight for things I knew I couldn't deny. I was proud of things that people did thousands of years ago only because I happen to live within the same geographical boundaries after centuries. Feelings of patriotism and love for my nation came naturally and I can't even point at the things that bore these ideas into my psyche.

Then one day I asked myself? What has my country ever done for me to be proud of it or for me to love it?? Does it have to do anything? A 5 years younger Nirali had answered in all solemnity that it didn't have to do anything, I had to. But now a wiser me wants to question the concept of a nation. Wouldn't I have been as proud to be a German, French or an Iraqi for that matter. Something would always be amiss no matter what country I belonged to but I would love it for the culture, the values and the mere fact that it was home where I belonged if nothing else.

From a societal point of view the concept of a nation is important. As humans we tend to live in groups as communities, and nations are exactly these. With similar values and beliefs it is but natural to feel a sense of belonging to a certain group of individuals. And considering that there are many individuals world-wide with a strong sense of nationalism if your society or country happened to lack it all of you would be at risk. So I should probably be thankful for the few who bring this love to fruition and make life safer.

On the other hand the sense of belonging to a nation invokes a collectivist attitude in all of us. With the world becoming smaller with the spurt in technology and the spread of globalisation the national boundaries and values are becoming blurred. And while this might suggest that patriotism is dying it definitely isn't. It is there and ever present. The only difference is that now you probably sit in Singapore and cheer for India and feel depressed over its lousy performance.

I am not sure if I love my country in the true sense of the word. Would I still be an Indian if given a choice before I came to this planet? If I did choose to be an Indian would it be because I have always been and don't know otherwise? India is home and always has been. The quirks, the weirdness, the faults and all is one package. It forms a part of who I am no matter where I go and how I change. I might not always identify with Indians and agree or like many things about this land but I will still continue to be an Indian.

And yet does that mean I would do anything for it? No. I always knew the answer was no, but I used to think it was because I am a coward. But you know it only means that other things like my family are way more important to me and nothing can change that. I know it is not so for many people and I probably admire them but I wouldn't change the way I feel.

So, yes I love my country too but probably just in a different way.