Abstinence

Yes I am abstaining from the internet. Which means I do not go online at all. No facebook, no gchat and no yahoo. Let me tell you its no easy feat! Day 1 and 4 hours into the challenge and I already found myself tempted a few times!

I am hopelessly addicted. I log on to Facebook god knows how many times and while I am at home there is a very good chance you'll find me on gmail unless I am sleeping. I don't know how that happened. Most of the times I am invisible but hey just coz I am online so often doesn't make me very social. Is it really a bad thing? Maybe its not. Everyone is hooked onto their Smartphones and that is the trend of the day but I would like to know that I can kick it. And if its really that difficult to stay offline, it is all the more reason for me to try! The change was sudden but internet just creeped into our lives. Just 3 years back smartphones were a rarity and today who doesn't have it? 

Maybe I am still an old-fashioned bum who likes to think that we need to break off from technology and find the time to sit and stare. Look at the world and all that shit ya know. And I am ok with that. Sure I am fascinated and being without a radar myself I acknowledge that its one heck of a blessing. And yet here I am trying to fight it. I am weird like that. 

I am really not sure why I do such random things and try to fight the internet. But you know what, its on bitches! Hopefully, it leads to more productivity coz I could totally use that you know. 

I have no appropriate title as happens often

I have too many flaws and if I were to list them I wouldn't know where to start. What is interesting though is that for a long time I never really saw them as flaws. I mean so what if I am a little impatient right? Or highly impatient if you will. That is not a flaw flaw. So what if I am short-tempered occasionally? In my world there were some flaws which were acceptable and there were some which totally weren't. I don't think much has changed but once in a while I do think I should be able to change some things. It would be good if my mind didn't go crazy doing summersaults and thinking overtime. (Why does blogspot not have summersault in the dictionary?!? Its like how my phone doesn't have bitch or fuck though that is probably worse.) No, I am not going to go ahead and list my numerous flaws as that is a much longer list best left to some other time. (Incidentally, leaving things to some other time would be a part of that list.)

(This is not my best piece of writing fyi. I have too much I need to vent and this is just a super long rant. It might not even be long coz right now I only have that vestigial feeling of the need to write but the moment has definitely passed.)

Once in a while I find a blog that makes me go "Omg! That sounds just like me!!" Neurotic crazy individuals who do random, quirky things which remind me of my own absurdities. What sets them apart though is that they actually pen down some things I would never dream about publishing even on this rather obscure blog. That's how I am wired. If it is important and actually matters to me I will go out of my way to never discuss it to anyone. I have lots of friends but when it comes to sharing the messed up bits of my life I won't turn to anyone. And no its not their fault cause I do have an amazing bunch of friends but I have never learnt to share. The moments of openness are few and rare and set far apart sadly. It amazes me how people share important aspects of their life on public platforms like blogs and facebook. Maybe that's a part of growing up and I need to start taking my baby steps much as I appreciate my own company. Narcissist much? Maybe....

Patriotism?

For some reason I never associated or saw patriotism as a thing of the present. It always appeared in the History textbooks and whatever little relevance it had to my life it never meant giving up your life for something you believed in. It just never occurred to me that people might actually give up their lives for political beliefs! Naive much? I guess. And that is not to mention the hundreds of lives I know were given up for nation and religion.

Yet, when I read about the lives lost in Sudan, Tunisia, Egypt and Yemen for political freedom it shocks me. They must be people with families. Normal people with the passion to fight for what they believe in. What moved them? Did they think they would lose their lives? Were they willing to lose their lives? Were the close ones willing to let them go? How does one make their peace with something like that?

There are just so many unanswered questions. I don't know what are the answers I am looking for. The idea that some of those lives were lost and yet they might have been coerced into fighting for it, that they might just have been pawns in a much larger political agenda; is very daunting.

I remember distinctly, as a small kid I was very patriotic. Maybe it was the school, the environment or the fact that I am just a bit of an idiot which was responsible; I have never clearly understood. I wanted to do things for my nation. I saw things that were wrong or that people told me were wrong and with my naivete I wanted to go and correct that, armed with nothing but good will. What could possibly go wrong when you are smart and have a good heart? Clearly, nothing!!

Then something happened. I grew up. I questioned everything I had been taught and made to believe as a fact that you don't doubt. "India is great and you are proud to be an Indian." It didn't make sense. All I knew was that some other things were so much more important to me. I blamed it on me being a coward only to wake up and realise one day that its more than just cowardice and courage. Its about what you value more than what you have been taught to value or what you perceive you value.

I am yet trying to understand and figure out my life, my values and what I want. I admire everyone who has the courage to stand up for what they believe in. I hope to be able to do that if nothing though I don't know if I will ever be convinced to give up my life for my nation.

PS: To every Indian soldier out there who has given up more than I could possibly imagine please do not get me wrong. I value what you're doing just that I don't think I am capable of doing the same.

Out of Control

"And I know not if, save in this, such gift be allowed to man,
That out of three sounds he frame, not a fourth sound, but a star." - Browning

"A hive about to swarm is a hive possessed. it becomes visibly agitated around the mouth of its entrance. The colony whines in a centreless loud drone that vibrates the neighbourhood. It begins to spit out masses of bees, as if it were emptying not only its guts but its soul. A poltergeist-like storm of tiny wills materialises over the hive box. It grows to be a small dark cloud of purpose, opaque with life. Boosted by a tremendous buzzing racket, the ghost slowly rises into the sky, leaving behind the empty box and quiet bafflement. The German theosophist Rudolf Steiner writes lucidly in his otheriwse kooky Nine Lectures on Bees: "Just as the human soul takes leave of the body... one can truly see in the flying swarm an image of the departing human soul." "

 

And I dump all of it.

I have too many opinions. So often I go I do not like this and I do not like that or I don’t support this and I don’t believe in that. It’s endless. Yes, an extension of being awfully judgmental and I can’t help dishing them out every so often more often than not to find out if you agree. I don’t care whether you do or not but somehow I must know. So I can argue with you and convince you otherwise or convince myself because what the hell I have to argue and I have to discuss. It’s an affliction. Anywho considering I have been doing this a little too much lately I decided I am going to dump all of my ridiculous, probably biased opinions.

• I hate corduroy pants. Really really hate them!
• I hate velvet dresses or tops or any kind of clothes.
• Nothing excuses wearing socks with slippers.
• I don’t believe that you ever do anything without expecting something in return. It doesn’t make sense and it is not possible for a human! We are a selfish people and we always do something to get something in return. It is the law of life so yes all that crap about altruism, and doing something for someone is well what I said it is, crap. And there is nothing wrong with that. That is probably the reason why the world functions, why we function. Ofcourse it gets complicated when you try to find a balance between what you deserve and what you actually expect.
• Love is not blind. You act blind to some things because you make exceptions. Willingly. In the end it is all about making exceptions.
• I don’t like cats. In fact I don’t like any animals unless they are far away or in a picture or video.
• Chocolates and ice creams make life better. And so do sisters. <3
• I don’t like doctors.
• I don’t believe in the death penalty or even religion.
• I am a confused person and I think I lost the point of this ranting a while back but I will continue nonetheless.
• I believe who you are remains the same after a certain point in your life even though everything about you changes beyond recognition. Occasionally something really dramatic could bend that inner you.
• There is no god and we only turn to him because we need faith and if it has a face it makes life more bearable.
• I used to be patriotic but I think it has lost meaning now. For a long time I found a reason to love India. It is not enough to be born in that country though a part of me is attached by virtue of it being my home. And it pisses me off to hear about our golden history trying to instill pride while the present continues to embarrass us. I get it national pride is important for us to survive as a nation but I am sorry it is not working on me.
• I don’t like liars and hypocrites.
• I am in awe of Alan Shore. I admire how he stands up for what he believes in. A man of values.
• I don’t like the notion of the government parenting the people. Awful as it sounds I actually believe that if you are stupid enough not to know what is good for you, you probably deserve it and it is not the Government’s job to protect you from yourself but protect the society as a whole.
• I am highly fascinated by bullet points. I am fascinated by lots of random things.
• I love drinking but I strongly disapprove of smoking.
• I love a bum.
• Peanut butter and chocolate spread are awesome!

I could go on and on but for now it feels good to have dumped all of it here. I might not believe the same thing tomorrow and I am okay with that because I am sure to change perspective, see things in a different light but for now I believe in what I said. :)

Would you...

Would you rather charge an innocent man or let a guilty one get away??


I asked myself many a times and each time I end up letting the guilty one get away. There are too many factors to be considered like what was the guilt, who is at risk, how guilty etc. Putting all that aside if I were to pick I wouldn't risk charging an innocent.

PS: Liberty lives in our hearts and no constitution can save it once it dies there.
PPS: That was unrelated. :P

HOW?!??!? HOW DO YOU DO IT?!???

Ok yes, I find it awfully hard to decide things. I over-think. It is typical for me to go on and on about how something is good or bad till either I run out of time and am stuck with the last option or my head hurts.

Like for a simple meal I consider things like:

When was the last time I had X? So do I want it again? How long will it take? Do I have to go far? What other options do I have? What are their pros and cons? Was it nice the last time I had it? Do I have to eat now? What if I am hungry after 2 hrs again?! What will I eat then?? Should I just wait? But then I am hungry.... Can I wait? So should I get something more filling? Then if.... (This is just a trailer trust me. It would be a treat staying in my brain!)

It goes on and on and on.... Do you see what that is like?!? I need to shut my brains!! Stop thinking so much. It is so uncool. If there are gnomes in my brain I'm sure they feel like they're living in a press that refuses to stop working. (I really have no idea where the gnomes come from!! ) Yes, even at night coz I am so awesome I think and think even in my sleep! If electricity was used for thinking I would be responsible for a HUGE percentage of the pollution. Thank you very much. I am a very non-environment friendly person. 

I don't even know if I should be thankful I am able to pick my clothes every morning without spending hours on it! And you know what consumerism has just resulted in my brain having to work overtime!!

So yes, if you are normal please tell me how you manage to decide whether this or that?? Chocolate chips or double chocolate?? blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

And the rut gets deeper...

Sometimes you wonder if you will ever get out of that rut. It seems like it has always been there. Occasionally you pretend its not a rut and on other days you try scramble your way out. Ofcourse you just end up with dirt in your nails in a deeper rut.

But someday you will get out right?? You have to!! If you want to move from one day to the next you have to believe that you will!

I am going to quit before I make this post any more depressing and hopefully I will come back with something a little more cheerful the next time I visit this place.

Death...

I hate it when people use euphemisms about death!!! No, you do not wake up in a better place and no you don't go to heaven! I have a lot to say about this and no time so will get to it later.


PS: I know it helps us get along but it's just a blatant lie and I don't appreciate it!

Updated: It is so ironic that right now I would love to say this euphemism to someone and be able to believe it.To be able to convince them. And yet it eludes me as I struggle to find words.

The unuttered....

Its been forever since I wrote. Yes, words seem to elude me and I try to avoid having to pen down anything anywhere while I hope that soon I will have to get it out. And I hate this feeling. The feeling of sitting at the keyboard waiting to write something that probably doesnt want to be written. And surprisingly it is just like words. Words that you don't say but which don't die. You try hard to forget them but they stick, unuttered. That's the fascinating thing about words, they're beautiful and alluring and just rarely they vapourise. Most of the times they appear, an expression of what you think, believe and feel. :)