Out of Control

"And I know not if, save in this, such gift be allowed to man,
That out of three sounds he frame, not a fourth sound, but a star." - Browning

"A hive about to swarm is a hive possessed. it becomes visibly agitated around the mouth of its entrance. The colony whines in a centreless loud drone that vibrates the neighbourhood. It begins to spit out masses of bees, as if it were emptying not only its guts but its soul. A poltergeist-like storm of tiny wills materialises over the hive box. It grows to be a small dark cloud of purpose, opaque with life. Boosted by a tremendous buzzing racket, the ghost slowly rises into the sky, leaving behind the empty box and quiet bafflement. The German theosophist Rudolf Steiner writes lucidly in his otheriwse kooky Nine Lectures on Bees: "Just as the human soul takes leave of the body... one can truly see in the flying swarm an image of the departing human soul." "

 

And I dump all of it.

I have too many opinions. So often I go I do not like this and I do not like that or I don’t support this and I don’t believe in that. It’s endless. Yes, an extension of being awfully judgmental and I can’t help dishing them out every so often more often than not to find out if you agree. I don’t care whether you do or not but somehow I must know. So I can argue with you and convince you otherwise or convince myself because what the hell I have to argue and I have to discuss. It’s an affliction. Anywho considering I have been doing this a little too much lately I decided I am going to dump all of my ridiculous, probably biased opinions.

• I hate corduroy pants. Really really hate them!
• I hate velvet dresses or tops or any kind of clothes.
• Nothing excuses wearing socks with slippers.
• I don’t believe that you ever do anything without expecting something in return. It doesn’t make sense and it is not possible for a human! We are a selfish people and we always do something to get something in return. It is the law of life so yes all that crap about altruism, and doing something for someone is well what I said it is, crap. And there is nothing wrong with that. That is probably the reason why the world functions, why we function. Ofcourse it gets complicated when you try to find a balance between what you deserve and what you actually expect.
• Love is not blind. You act blind to some things because you make exceptions. Willingly. In the end it is all about making exceptions.
• I don’t like cats. In fact I don’t like any animals unless they are far away or in a picture or video.
• Chocolates and ice creams make life better. And so do sisters. <3
• I don’t like doctors.
• I don’t believe in the death penalty or even religion.
• I am a confused person and I think I lost the point of this ranting a while back but I will continue nonetheless.
• I believe who you are remains the same after a certain point in your life even though everything about you changes beyond recognition. Occasionally something really dramatic could bend that inner you.
• There is no god and we only turn to him because we need faith and if it has a face it makes life more bearable.
• I used to be patriotic but I think it has lost meaning now. For a long time I found a reason to love India. It is not enough to be born in that country though a part of me is attached by virtue of it being my home. And it pisses me off to hear about our golden history trying to instill pride while the present continues to embarrass us. I get it national pride is important for us to survive as a nation but I am sorry it is not working on me.
• I don’t like liars and hypocrites.
• I am in awe of Alan Shore. I admire how he stands up for what he believes in. A man of values.
• I don’t like the notion of the government parenting the people. Awful as it sounds I actually believe that if you are stupid enough not to know what is good for you, you probably deserve it and it is not the Government’s job to protect you from yourself but protect the society as a whole.
• I am highly fascinated by bullet points. I am fascinated by lots of random things.
• I love drinking but I strongly disapprove of smoking.
• I love a bum.
• Peanut butter and chocolate spread are awesome!

I could go on and on but for now it feels good to have dumped all of it here. I might not believe the same thing tomorrow and I am okay with that because I am sure to change perspective, see things in a different light but for now I believe in what I said. :)

Would you...

Would you rather charge an innocent man or let a guilty one get away??


I asked myself many a times and each time I end up letting the guilty one get away. There are too many factors to be considered like what was the guilt, who is at risk, how guilty etc. Putting all that aside if I were to pick I wouldn't risk charging an innocent.

PS: Liberty lives in our hearts and no constitution can save it once it dies there.
PPS: That was unrelated. :P

HOW?!??!? HOW DO YOU DO IT?!???

Ok yes, I find it awfully hard to decide things. I over-think. It is typical for me to go on and on about how something is good or bad till either I run out of time and am stuck with the last option or my head hurts.

Like for a simple meal I consider things like:

When was the last time I had X? So do I want it again? How long will it take? Do I have to go far? What other options do I have? What are their pros and cons? Was it nice the last time I had it? Do I have to eat now? What if I am hungry after 2 hrs again?! What will I eat then?? Should I just wait? But then I am hungry.... Can I wait? So should I get something more filling? Then if.... (This is just a trailer trust me. It would be a treat staying in my brain!)

It goes on and on and on.... Do you see what that is like?!? I need to shut my brains!! Stop thinking so much. It is so uncool. If there are gnomes in my brain I'm sure they feel like they're living in a press that refuses to stop working. (I really have no idea where the gnomes come from!! ) Yes, even at night coz I am so awesome I think and think even in my sleep! If electricity was used for thinking I would be responsible for a HUGE percentage of the pollution. Thank you very much. I am a very non-environment friendly person. 

I don't even know if I should be thankful I am able to pick my clothes every morning without spending hours on it! And you know what consumerism has just resulted in my brain having to work overtime!!

So yes, if you are normal please tell me how you manage to decide whether this or that?? Chocolate chips or double chocolate?? blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

And the rut gets deeper...

Sometimes you wonder if you will ever get out of that rut. It seems like it has always been there. Occasionally you pretend its not a rut and on other days you try scramble your way out. Ofcourse you just end up with dirt in your nails in a deeper rut.

But someday you will get out right?? You have to!! If you want to move from one day to the next you have to believe that you will!

I am going to quit before I make this post any more depressing and hopefully I will come back with something a little more cheerful the next time I visit this place.

Death...

I hate it when people use euphemisms about death!!! No, you do not wake up in a better place and no you don't go to heaven! I have a lot to say about this and no time so will get to it later.


PS: I know it helps us get along but it's just a blatant lie and I don't appreciate it!

Updated: It is so ironic that right now I would love to say this euphemism to someone and be able to believe it.To be able to convince them. And yet it eludes me as I struggle to find words.

The unuttered....

Its been forever since I wrote. Yes, words seem to elude me and I try to avoid having to pen down anything anywhere while I hope that soon I will have to get it out. And I hate this feeling. The feeling of sitting at the keyboard waiting to write something that probably doesnt want to be written. And surprisingly it is just like words. Words that you don't say but which don't die. You try hard to forget them but they stick, unuttered. That's the fascinating thing about words, they're beautiful and alluring and just rarely they vapourise. Most of the times they appear, an expression of what you think, believe and feel. :)

Does it make sense to anyone?

As I scan through the news I read about lots of things that go wrong with the world. There are earthquakes and tsunamis and floods and like that wasn't death enough people decide to go out there and kill each other themselves blinded by a dozen reasons. Reasons that make sense on paper and in conference rooms as great minds discuss strategies and combat ad move the pieces of pawn. And yet on the field it translates to lives. It means that someone will not see the morning the next day, will not hit the bed at night and curse about how life sucks coz someone took that life away and there will be someone who will yearn for him to come back as the emptiness of the night creeps in. But he that was swallowed will never come back. To them it won't make sense; why tomorrow should not have some and yet have some.

And then there will be me and thousands like me who will scan the news and lament over the loss of these lives. Except that they will just be numbers to me. Numbers that though horrifying are just numbers. Numbers that I will soon forget as I wake up to a new tomorrow. Once in a while one of these numbers will find a face, a voice and a name in a book or a movie and I will mourn the waste. Till the face is blurred by a flurry of days. 

Do I regret that?? No, I don't. Harsh as it may sound I'm glad they are just numbers. I don't think I have the capacity or the horizon to give names to the multitudes lost. They will always mean something to only a few and become part of the statistics for the rest of us. It's the way it is meant to be. Throughout life we pass by thousands of people in various ways and only some are meant to stay with you as the years fade away. Once in a while you'll miss the ones that went separate ways. (There I digress a little.)

I don't know how the Presidents and the Prime Ministers and their army of minds sleep at night knowing that their decision or their judgement could have cost a life. A few thousand lives! And just what if it was a mistake? What if you made an error? How do you then tell yourself that you won't repeat it?! How do you tell those who are not here anymore that you made a mistake? Cause now they are not here any more!! And yet someone has to make those decisions. Because in the grand scheme of things your chickening out won't always save lives! There will always be other factors beyond your control who will force you to make these choices. You just sure as help hope that you're right or that a pricking conscience doesn't keep you up like it might keep some. 

Choices

When does one start having a choice?? I don't know when was the first time I shook my head and told mom that I wanted the blue toffee instead of the red one. When I shook my head to tell her I'm not hungry or that I don't like that icky looking spoonful she is trying to feed me.

But these weren't the important choices. The important choices would have been whether I wanted to go to school or not? Whether I wanted wanted to dance or play basketball. And I'm not saying that things have been forced on me.

But just when do children exactly start making their own choices? When should they be allowed to choose their paths? When we know that now they'll choose like we teach them to? What should they be allowed to choose? (Yes, I think I can safely say that I have crossed the line. :P )

We guide them and direct them into seeing the world as we see it. We teach them to appreciate what we appreciate and value what we value. And sometimes I wonder which bit would've been me if not for some influence or another.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. When you enter this world and stare at the plain blue sky you need someone to tell you, you can fly if you get out. To tell you not to scorch yourself as you scale distances. To hold your hand and show you what the ground feels like. The only trouble is when we don't see the world clearly ourselves. When we try to impose what is not for us to impose!

It is very tricky and a lucky few get it right.

Holi

I just realised how much I miss mom and Shivali on holi. I'm not really that big on taking colours and acting like a nutcase.  But they were always so excited. Right since morning. I remember even as kids Shivali couldn't wait to start messing the house. Right since she woke up. Or sometimes the day before only. :) And I tried my best to stay clean till as long as I could. Till I was finally bullied by mom and Shivali and become a mega mess. It was like they couldn't get enough of messing the crap out of me till I probably had purple scalp and blue nails!!

Yes, they bullied dad too. :)

And I miss that. I miss mom forcing me to get out of the house and enjoy the day. She tried from there but it doesn't work unless she is there to drag me along.

I love you guys and I miss you a lot. Every bit of it. And for a change I wish that you could put every damn colour on me much against my will. I wish.....