I have no clue what is there in this post but it was incomplete so I'm gonna go ahead and write something so I can publish it. You've been warned. Probably.

Remember that time I was all like there are gnomes in my brain and that they are  little wonky cause really being caged in someone's brain would totally turn you that way especially considering that well brains are not really the most friendly places to be in especially if its a brain like those in Harry Potter V in which case I really pity the gnomes or whoever is trapped. Though coming to think of it the reason those brains must be acting all evil and all is because the gnomes or whosoever had become Evil. Anywho I deviate.

What I've come to realise is that I have no freaking clue how I came to write this post in the first place since I abandoned it after the deviation and that doesn't give me any clues as to where I could possibly have been going with all that rant. Anywho I still decided to continue writing and take it somewhere I guess because I really don't like incomplete drafts and I am beginning to have too many of them that I never complete or post. So blog bitch its not happening now coz I am going to finish it even if I have no freaking clue why I was talking about gnomes in the first place. It is highly possible that they were rampaging the crevices in which they hide causing me to forget what I was saying except that now it has been so freaking long since I started writing this thing that I can't even go ahead and say its all the fault of the gnomes!!

Anywho so I was out last evening watching the calm sea and the buildings and the lights. It was a really beautiful place and I could sit there staring forever. (ok you know not forever) And then as the sun disappeared too many lights appeared out of nowhere giving shape and meaning to the things that would have been swallowed by the darkness of the night otherwise. The skyline of buildings unknown and the castle that holds princesses and dreams and fairies and unicorns(there actually was a castle we could see. No kidding)!! I love watching the reflection of these lights in the water. Shimmering, shifty, mysterious, trying to find a form, a shape. One with the water, the waves and the ripples. I stare at it trying to find pretty words that would make it more beautiful but I know there are none that  might help. I wonder why we do that?! Trying to put into words memories and feelings and such pictures as if they are not concrete on their own. (Atleast I do that sometimes.)

Ahh well to complete this super random post I'm going to tell about the most awesome coffee cup that I just bought! Better still......

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... :D *grins like an idiot and almost does a little happy dance*

(I know the pic barely does justice to the cup but ahhh well... :D )

Pending Mail

Dear lost me,

I'm not sure what has happened but just when you thought you had all the time in the world to scribble away and get it out of your system the words got lost on the way. There are too many incomplete posts and unsaid things that you need  to get out of the way!!

Anywho this is the first step towards that and revamping of this space. So hoping to see you back on track. :)

Yours truly,
The sane you.


Dear NUS,

I don't wanna die at this tender age. You're trying your best so try and let me survive will you? I know it's kinda hard for you but we can work on it together. *a really flattering smile* I'm glad to be back if we're both going to give it a shot. (that's a lie but I hope it works!)

I won't ruin anything with more words but cheers to you not screwing me!

Yours truly,
Wary of the new sem.


Dear home,

I miss you a lotttttttttttt. Like really really really really a lot! Miss everything about you. (Like everything! ;) ) Ya to you I just wanted to say you were superrrrr awesome and I hope to be back soon! :D

Yours truly,
Missing you a heck lot.

Grey's Anatomy

So now I’m waiting in the waiting area for my flight and there seems to be some more time and nothing to do! The end of another holidays. For some reason this waiting area gives me a very sad feeling like I wasn’t happy the last time I was here. Anywho not the point. The point is the holidays were awesome and I didn’t want them to end. I never really do even if I miss Singapore once in a while. And well I did nothing productive throughout the break much unlike what I wanted and yet much like what was to be expected! (seriously I am pretty much hopeless like that! Le sigh.). But I digress. What I actually wanted to say was that in the spirit of being unproductive and jobless I saw a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. And it is super awesome so if you haven’t seen it you should give it a shot! J

And every time I see it among the other things that I ponder over, one is how some professions have so little leeway for mistakes! If I make little mistakes and forget things, that I’m very much prone much to, much to my chagrin, sometimes its okay! It doesn’t stop the world and more often than not the only one who pays for it is me!  But some people can’t afford those mistakes! Like surgeons and firemen and policemen and presidents and soldiers. They don’t get the benefit of doubt. If they screw up other people pay and so does their conscience.  

Which brings me to another reason why I love grey’s. They care. All the doctors. They have a conscience. When your job is like theirs it’s amazing if you can save your conscience. Something is wrong the day you don’t flinch when you say you’re sorry, when you don’t stop to wonder if all you did was enough, when it doesn’t sadden your heart even a little bit at having lost a life. And yet when that is what you do every day it requires courage and character to be that.

And the question that always turns up when I see it is if I could be like that (that is assuming I could cram all the shit that they do in my tiny little brain and for some reason be fascinated with cutting up and putting together body parts! Ohh yes they are fascinated by it. I know right!! Baffles me too). Would I have come through with flying colours? I’d like to say yes but I know I don’t have the answer to that except that it is daunting.  

Love everyone??

And every other wise person and religion and smart quote asks you to love everyone unconditionally. Hate is a waste of a life that is too short so spread the love around.

But hard as I might try (I don't try that hard also) I can't convince myself that I should love everyone. Love is special and unique. It is not something dished out in charity to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Dish out sympathy and pity if you want but don't degrade love. What is that love even worth if you have to do nothing to deserve it?

Is there nothing that differentiates the flee-ridden-mooch who is a parasite to the society and that person who actually means something to the world and to you? There is. There is a big difference and that is how you react to that person!! Love is not a gift by virtue of fate or coincidence but something that you earn by being who you are. It is that highest accolade you could give to anyone for being who they are to you and the world.

While I don't promote hate as a way of life that eats away at your very core I know it is inevitable. Some people ask for it and the best you can do is delete these people from life. (If you can kill them and not get caught good for you. This doesn't mean I am promoting people killing each other out of hatred. More along the lines of erasing them from your life. Just thought should clarify!) They are not worth even a glance let alone a feeling that occupies your mind leaving little space for better things of life.

There are lots of mushy and cliched things that people have said about love numerous times so I'm not gonna spring them on you here except the fact that not everyone has to be loved! Atleast by you.


PS: Finally finishing the tons of incomplete posts. Hopefully the trend shall continue! :D

I love India

Before I knew what India is and what to love means I was taught to say and believe that I love my country. And before I knew it I was happy when we won a match, on the defensive for India and disappointed everytime we lost. I never questioned how the hopes of a million strong could rest on 11 guys?? (Yes, cricket illustrates my point like nothing else) It did not matter why I went out of my way to defend and fight for things I knew I couldn't deny. I was proud of things that people did thousands of years ago only because I happen to live within the same geographical boundaries after centuries. Feelings of patriotism and love for my nation came naturally and I can't even point at the things that bore these ideas into my psyche.

Then one day I asked myself? What has my country ever done for me to be proud of it or for me to love it?? Does it have to do anything? A 5 years younger Nirali had answered in all solemnity that it didn't have to do anything, I had to. But now a wiser me wants to question the concept of a nation. Wouldn't I have been as proud to be a German, French or an Iraqi for that matter. Something would always be amiss no matter what country I belonged to but I would love it for the culture, the values and the mere fact that it was home where I belonged if nothing else.

From a societal point of view the concept of a nation is important. As humans we tend to live in groups as communities, and nations are exactly these. With similar values and beliefs it is but natural to feel a sense of belonging to a certain group of individuals. And considering that there are many individuals world-wide with a strong sense of nationalism if your society or country happened to lack it all of you would be at risk. So I should probably be thankful for the few who bring this love to fruition and make life safer.

On the other hand the sense of belonging to a nation invokes a collectivist attitude in all of us. With the world becoming smaller with the spurt in technology and the spread of globalisation the national boundaries and values are becoming blurred. And while this might suggest that patriotism is dying it definitely isn't. It is there and ever present. The only difference is that now you probably sit in Singapore and cheer for India and feel depressed over its lousy performance.

I am not sure if I love my country in the true sense of the word. Would I still be an Indian if given a choice before I came to this planet? If I did choose to be an Indian would it be because I have always been and don't know otherwise? India is home and always has been. The quirks, the weirdness, the faults and all is one package. It forms a part of who I am no matter where I go and how I change. I might not always identify with Indians and agree or like many things about this land but I will still continue to be an Indian.

And yet does that mean I would do anything for it? No. I always knew the answer was no, but I used to think it was because I am a coward. But you know it only means that other things like my family are way more important to me and nothing can change that. I know it is not so for many people and I probably admire them but I wouldn't change the way I feel.

So, yes I love my country too but probably just in a different way.

Random observation

I HATE buses. Like hate them so much that the very notion of getting onto one gives me creeps and nightmares of the worst kind imaginable like the doomsday is approaching and I try to fight and run till my legs ache because of carrying me at unnatural speeds for an unholy amount of time but then like a deer that has run its course I am cornered by the evil hunters who flash flashlights into your eyes which is when I resign to fate. Anywho so you get point.

And lately I've had to spend an atrocious amount of my precious little time on buses and like most other passengers(when you spend so much time on freaking bus and your brains are rattled I think that's what everyone should be doing though I can't be sure) I observe every detail about every random person I can. I mentally appreciate and criticise the shoes and the bags and the clothes and the phones. I judge them by every little thing they do and imagine what the lives of these random people must be like. I wonder if we'll ever cross paths again and if we did will we know that we crossed once earlier. I wonder how if something out of the ordinary were to happen, some accident, some mishap how it would bind a few random strangers who had been brought on to the same bus(or train for that matter but I'll just mention buses for now) by chance.

But what amuses and baffles me more than all these things is the way these passengers of chance react to each other. Even though I don't know a single one of them and it hardly is a matter of importance I make sure that I find an empty seat with noone near even if that means walking to the end of the bus. I don't even understand why. And you know what. That is exactly what most of the other people do (except for the old ones coz they can barely stand and so can't afford to be picky). Everytime we're put in places with random people I don't know why we tend to pull away. For instance lifts!! You can't but look at the person with you in a 4x4 area yet the shifty eyes because not really proper etiquette to stare at someone though you could steal looks every now and then since we know it can't be helped.

I'm not sure if its me or an Asian thing to do or what. But I fail to understand the reason for the behaviour. I'd rather be a jackass in front of someone who doesn't know me at all and who I might never see again then someone I know right?? Or not perhaps. I don't know.

I really don't always need a title to classify what I'm talking about or I'll end up with endless posts titled "rambles" so I'll just go with Coliary.

Yes, the weather is super awesome and a somewhat cranky, confused mood is transformed.

(I still think I suck sometimes but hehe it's ok to suck. Now see that is what awesome weather does to you.)

It's amazing how transformable my mood actually is. I don't even understand how or why sometimes! I mean it really does take a lot of effort to analyse just what my brain thought so quickly that I am yet to understand and then often/sometimes I don't even bother and hope to let rain make my day. :) Who needs to mull over dumbass things when there are better things to be done???

It feels great to sit in my room looking outta the window and singing aloud random songs. :) I love the singing aloud bit but ofcourse I continue to be tone deaf. Is being tone-deaf a deficiency or disorder that can actually be corrected?? I certainly hope. Or not. Hardly matters except probably torturesome to the people who have to sometimes listen to me but then I have never been particularly environment friendly and besides its not me who stopped you from buying earplugs if its that painful and then again I'm kinda nice even if not all the time so I'll refrain from singing aloud in public. Wheewwwwww... That was one long sentence. And yes these days ridiculously long sentences that kinda make you lose your way and leave your eyes glazed while your mind wobbles along the words hoping that its the last one as Ohhh-please-have-mercy-and-just-stop-already pleas hardly seem to work, it might end are absolutely fascinating to me and ofcourse along with it comes the utter disregard for punctuation (unless critical) coz really do you think that after churning out such a garble of words before I use a fullstop I could be bothered to use a comma? :D :D

And now I have to run for a class just when I was getting into the mode but yah well.... I'll be back. Like DUH!!

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Twilight Review

Here is sincerely hoping that you have forgotten that a tiny part of me was genuinely amused by twilight and that the tiny part did go so far as to like it as well. And now the other part would like to show you the most kick-ass twilight review. Ever.

Who am I???

There is one question that I’ve asked myself repeatedly over the past few days. And I have no answer to offer yet and none in sight.

As I attended this camp over the weekend about which I have varied opinions that I shall get into later, let me just say that it wasn’t that bad for now, they posed 3 questions, the answers to which we were supposed to scribble on a piece of paper. I just sat there and kept staring at the screen.

Who are you?

Who do you pretend to be?

What are you grateful for?

I was stumped. At the end my paper read just one line: “I don’t know who I am and frankly I think I pretend to be what I think I am.”

What defines who I am?? Is it my likes and dislikes or the combination of cells and tissues that sets me apart from a million or what I believe in? Maybe its the combination of genes and the 9-letter word at the end of my name or the set of beliefs, principles, ideals that I hold or the lack thereof. Is it what I’ve done or what I might do or my fears and strengths or the fact that I love licking the cream off oreos before eating them and that my fingers are crooked (I know plain weird I tell you. I’ve tried straightening by sticking a rod to it for hours at a stretch till I could hear the cells scream in unknown languages and hammered it with a hammer (DUH!!) till I think I broke a bone or two and ended up making them look more crooked. Freakingfruck! Or maybe I didn’t do that but it doesn’t mean I don’t want them straighter any less!!!) .

So really who the hell am I?

If you are thinking that silly girl it is a combination of everything you mentioned and that thing that you forgot to mention ohhh and that other thing also then I’d like to tell you no. I was not afraid of rats once but now they scare the shit out of me. There are so many little things about one that keep changing. So does that mean I keep changing?? Is there nothing about me that would always be me no matter what! Something that would tell me who I am on the days when I am lost and confused, unsure of everything.

Pretensions are also me. A choice I make. What I would like to be! And hence, what I pretend to be is a part of who I am. Is it weird that sometimes I wonder if I actually like what I like and if I actually am scared of what I think I am? They could just be notions that I might have developed over time. (I know it sounds super lame but yaaaa...)

At some point in our lives we all stop and ask ourselves these questions. Who am I? Where am I going and where do I want to go? I'm not sure if all of us manage to figure that out but some like me are left stumped blogging about it. If you got lost along the way I think I did too. I started by saying something and went on somewhere.

So really who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.

xoxo ;)

Update: If you have any insights at all to offer they are more than welcome. Or if you know who you are then I would like to know!

And then I said....

And sometimes what you think is right isn't. You stand at the crossroads of life and wonder where you want to go. Was the last turn I took the correct one? If you can go to a few places together?? Because you see you can't but do everything. And then at the end of the day when you sit on your bed with your eyes closed you wonder why the roads can't merge?? Why can't there be a sign that will direct me??

Or probably you call yourself a dumass a few times for not being able to figure out. And then you wish for time to pause for a second while you figure yourself out. But the question is will you ever be able to do that??

Yes, i know I suck. And I'm not excusing myself just stating a fact. And it has nothing to do with today. Maybe a little. Like you know the last straw before the realisation strikes home.

This is not how I usually write. Yes, I'm never this open right??? But fuck it. It's my blog and I can write anything I want!! SO here goes......

Life's a bitch. For once I want to see things get right coz I'm losing hope now. Could I atleast know that there is a chance?? So that I know that I just have to wait a bit.

I'm biased.

I have preconcieved notions that sometimes I don't even want to get rid of.

I wonder if I know myself.

I don't know if I will publish this post.

I fail to understand why I shoudn't.

I am just saying some things coz I don't want to say some others. Yes, I'm vague like that.

(How different do I sound from the day before!!)

And now I'm struggling to find some words. Some meaning in a jumble of words and letters. There is none.