And then I said....

And sometimes what you think is right isn't. You stand at the crossroads of life and wonder where you want to go. Was the last turn I took the correct one? If you can go to a few places together?? Because you see you can't but do everything. And then at the end of the day when you sit on your bed with your eyes closed you wonder why the roads can't merge?? Why can't there be a sign that will direct me??

Or probably you call yourself a dumass a few times for not being able to figure out. And then you wish for time to pause for a second while you figure yourself out. But the question is will you ever be able to do that??

Yes, i know I suck. And I'm not excusing myself just stating a fact. And it has nothing to do with today. Maybe a little. Like you know the last straw before the realisation strikes home.

This is not how I usually write. Yes, I'm never this open right??? But fuck it. It's my blog and I can write anything I want!! SO here goes......

Life's a bitch. For once I want to see things get right coz I'm losing hope now. Could I atleast know that there is a chance?? So that I know that I just have to wait a bit.

I'm biased.

I have preconcieved notions that sometimes I don't even want to get rid of.

I wonder if I know myself.

I don't know if I will publish this post.

I fail to understand why I shoudn't.

I am just saying some things coz I don't want to say some others. Yes, I'm vague like that.

(How different do I sound from the day before!!)

And now I'm struggling to find some words. Some meaning in a jumble of words and letters. There is none.

Rant. Gnomes and wiggles.

And yes, finally I’m back in Singapore. And coming back has been one eventful journey. I didn’t even know that so many things could actually go wrong at the start time. It probably all started that fateful night we couldn’t find my passport. Goshhhhh, the frenzy!! I was already looking at procedures to get a new one. Anywho we found it at like 3 in the night and I left in the morning. Then my sis manages to lose my phone charger. Laptop charger spoilt, net in room not working. Mom and all lose their head over me not calling. Then yesterday I break my sandal! Can’t find my transponder which was then recovered wedged between mattress and bed.

Ok all this was true as of a few days back..... Then I forgot to continue and well now things are hopefully getting back on track, which means I haven’t lost anything since Saturday. And that is a record right there especially after the nightmare that the past 2 weeks had been. I was on a roll baby!! Did I mention I also managed to find my passport that I didn’t know I had lost!! But yes hopefully I’m past it all. *crosses fingers and shuts eyes tightly and mutters loudly*

Yes, I know I’m kinda hopeless and all. I continue to surprise myself. And not pleasantly let me mention!

I want to become a train but I don’t want passengers. They just dirty the trains and I want to be a train in India. It’ll be sooooo amazing I don’t think I’d ever want to stop. Oh but I really must be a train that is electronic and environment friendly and can whistle!!!! :D

I’m on the path to awesomeness. The last few weeks haven’t been bad but they could have been better! Ohh yes they will be. I mean not they but the coming ones.

Can I live without doing my laundry like ever?? Someday I want to be so rich that I instead of washing clothes I can just buy new ones and throw the ones I’ve worn away. J ok if I’m that rich I can have a laundry service that washes my clothes after collecting them from all over the place without my ever coming to know! You know like a secret genie. Only that it will be a genie in white coz I really don’t like blue genies.

Umm well a baby blue can. Only the dark one is an absolute no!

Ahhh well frankly I’m ok with a light pink genie also.

Pretty cool huh????

Ohhh yes there are pink genies. And well since I don't really like pink so much imagine she is in white. A white ephemereal image!

I think my stomach would seriously try and kick my ass except that it is out of reach!! We have a miscommunication problem that’s it. Ok a little bit more. Maybe I abuse it by over-feeding or under-feeding as per my whim.

Jus maybeeeeee you know.

I’m sleepy already. I sometimes think I have gnomes in my brain. They can be freaking rebellious and yet work as well. They’re a bit wonky and hobbly-gobbly but ah well they have no escape and neither do I!

Gosshhhhh and it must really be scary to be trapped in someone’s brain like that right?? Ok the thought is only giving me chills. Imagine what you would have to do when you need to pee!! Actually the brain has so many crevices and shit shouldn’t be a bother probably.

Ok I’m saying anything now so I should really go and watch Gossip Girl before I discuss gnomes and brains in excruciating detail.

Ohh and before I go off I must tell you that I am really scared of Indian railway stations and men in formals who look normal. (oooohhh rhyme!) I am never ever going to a railway station alone. *shivers and shudders*

Tess of the D'urbervilles

And as a part of my intense holiday program I was on a reading spree. And one of the bestest books I’ve read this summer was Tess of the D’urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. And I sincerely recommend it as a must read except that it’s a bit of a tough one so you might have to struggle initially (I had to). It’s a brilliantly written piece of work that makes you fall in love with the heroine, feel injustice at her misfortune and depression at her misery. When she bears it all silently you want to fight for her, for what is she but a pawn at the hands of cruel fate!

(There are many many wonderful lines that, if patience permits, I shall put up.)

End here I must add a spoiler alert in case you intend to read it. J

Her innocence and childishness are Tess’ greatest attributes and yet her greatest weaknesses. Like the author says she is a child trapped in a woman’s body. Her love is pure and of the kind which I doubt exists beyond the pages of a book. Is it possible to love someone so much that his existence defines your own? So much that values, principles and life only hold meaning if you see them in his eyes? So freaking much that your only regret ever is being away from no matter what he does? I could probably say a lot more about it but it would never be enough.

When I was reading the book one thing nagged at me the most. I couldn’t believe it that Tess should keep loving Angel in that selfless, devoted and revering manner. Never was there a moment of doubt. Many a doubts about herself and her worth but not one about him. Her love was complete even during the darkest moments, probably all the more then as she suffered miseries that had never been so undeserved. I thought she was foolish and silly when she was willing to forgive him after he was such a jackass. The worst part!??!?? Her only regret when he finally came back was that she didn’t wait just a little more!!! And I wanted to scream at him and throw things for not having enough faith in her. He would never deserve her. And that is when it hit me. Just when things could probably get right again she could ruin it if she didn’t accept him! She had to react the way she did because life would never be worth living without him right?!? She was practically living in hell every moment away from him. Then why stick to his follies and find a way back to hell when you could get out???

Life can be a bitch sometimes and frankly it doesn’t matter who you are. You have to keep struggling through it and hope that better things await you. Some things are always going to be beyond your control, you just have to try your best at what is within your control and hope it will be enough.

And now for a few excerpts from the book....

“In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say ‘SEE? ‘ to her poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply ‘Here!’ to a body’s cry of ‘Where?’ till the hide-and-seek has become an outworn and irksome game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will be corrected by a finer intuition, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us around and along; but such completeness is not to be prophesied or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, it was not the two halves of a prefect whole that confronted each other at the perfect moment; a missing counterpart wandered independently about the earth waiting in crass obtuseness till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang disappointments, anxieties........”

“‘By experience,’ says Roger Ascham, ‘we find out a short way by a long wandering.’ Not seldom that long wandering unfits us for further travel, and of what use is our experience to us then? Tess Durbeyfield’s experience was of this incapacitating kind. At last she had learnt what to do but who accept her doing now?”

“Thou hast counselled a better course than thou hast permitted. “

“This hobble of being alive is rather serious, don’t you think so?”

“Life is a mishap...”

I have lots more that I loved but have lost them right and don’t have the book. Le sigh... I am so buying it!! So more to come some day. J

The Notebook

And finally I figured out something.

I totally love the movie ‘The Notebook’. It appeals to the 13yr old in me which I would totally like to deny but I know is pointless. The absolutely adorable Rachel McAdams with that naughty smile, lovely dimples and the most exuberant personality and the arrogant Ryan Gosling with his cocky and yet oh-so-cute character make me go awwwwwww!

(I know that is like supremely cheesy but in my defence the movie is also the epitome of cheesiness and yet so cute!!! It has all the classic elements you know.... Rich, pretty girl falls in love with the hunky, poor guy and then there is the evil family but they make it!! And yet it’s made in this beautiful way. Maybe it’s the actors because of whom I love the movie. But ya... :D )

But then everytime they show the older Allie and Noah I wished I could just delete it and have just the younger awesome versions on screen you know. It was so much nicer that way. That killing smile and that adoring look.....

*is looking away starry-eyed into the distance with the hint of a smile on the face*

But finally I figured out today why they had to have the older versions in the movie. I knew that atleast in this case they stick it out with each other. Love doesn’t evaporate as the burdens of real life fall upon the shoulders. It is not just another compromise that you make as life goes on. That even if Allie became old and fat and wrinkled she was still Noah’s Allie and would always be! The ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t come when the two young lovers unite and make vows that only death will part them. It comes when those two lovers grow old together and the love just grows stronger. When even she has stopped knowing herself he will continue knowing and understanding her. When she fails to recognise herself in the mirror he will never forget her. When the music of her lost fingers finds its way to his heart.

So everytime the older Noah and Allie appear on the screen it is to remind us that this once they mean what they say and will continue to. This once it probably is truly love.

Few more letters since obviously I love them

Dear Indian television,

                See I don’t wanna curse you and all right now even though you are supremely retarded and probably one of the dumbest things on this planet made for people with brains the size of an ant’s kidney-stone because I need you now. As simple as that. So can you please show something a wee bit sensible or entertaining atleast? I have way too much time and nothing to do and a good dose of TV is what Nirali needs. I haven’t had TV for what like 10 months and I can’t be sick of it already. L I like the pretty dresses and ahh well you might as well make it a fashion show with awesome sets and decent music (yes I’m sorry to break your brittle heart but you do need different, good music that is a lot less melodramatic and probably a bit nicer you know.... you could try something with) with no one talking since hardly anyone says anything worth listening to.

                Please look into the aforementioned issue and I will be highly grateful. If you want I’m more than willing to help. While I’m at it maybe I could look into the judges for some of the shows who are supremely dull and imbecile. Or the anchors who could win an award for the longest string of dumb things ever said by anyone on TV. Ohh and yes I think I’ll have to help you with the guys you have on the show who could be more charming and maybe win over the girl without 5 minutes of background music and a lovey-dovey song and boring-the-shit-out-of-the-audience look on his face.

                Coming to think of it you don’t need to do anything just let me help and I’ll try to make something of it.

Yours truly

Genuinely bored and truly concerned viewer.

 

Dear Shahrukh,

                You’ve been my favourite for a long time. It was a childish fascination I must say but you were always entertaining to say the least though I never fell in love with you. But you have been disappointing me consistently. So much so that I don’t even remember the last decent movie that you made that I really really liked. Well, I can’t make excuses for you anymore (I know you didn’t ask me to ever but I couldn’t help it). It’s just not worth it. So really if you want to be worthy of your stardom you should start doing some quality work. There are so many others out there more deserving of the fame.

Yours truly,

A lost fan

PS: Just to make it clear you’re not a favourite anymore. All the best.

 

Dear Rajkot and its people,

                You’ve been a very dear place and home to me but let me tell you something. You’ve just made a very big mistake by electing the wrong person. Normally you don’t give a crap which way this country goes but for once you had a chance to do something right. Yes, I might be biased but I know for a fact that the guy you didn’t elect was good. And frankly now you’ll probably get what you deserve for making dumb choices. You’re just blinded and can’t see a man for what he is.

Yours truly

 Regretful for not being here to vote!

Diary excerpt

While cleaning the closet of my sister which was messy enough to suffocate a rat who has lived in dumpsters outside the city, we discovered my first diary of sorts. Many of you may not know that my school was weird to say the least (ofcourse it continues to be one of the best and I have declared my undying love for it rest assured) and once it decided that it would be great for students to write their “introspections” daily. So 10 year olds like me were given this pretty cool diary and 40 long minutes every day to do so. And to help us ignorant fools “introspect” on the days in our 10-yr old lives they gave us a format too which was pretty simple and as such:

·         Good things I did

·         Bad things I did

·         Things I did to be excellent

·         Things I’ll do to be excellent

Now here are a few excerpts from this book, mistakes and all, exactly as it was written (without the brackets ofcourse!! :D)

24/6/98

Wednesday (written diligently in the margins are the dates)

Good things I did

I studied very nicely and confidently yesterday evening. (Sweets just how do you study “confidently”??) I helped my sister yesterday in her studies. I helped my friend to sit comfortably in the rickshaw as she had hurt her knee. I listened to my teacher seriously in the class. I helped some of my classmates in Maths. In the recess I shared my Nasta with my friends.

Bad things I did

I teased my sister and did mischief (just so you know, you manage to do that even today). I made my mother angry.

Things I did to be excellent

I did not do anything to be excellent.

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll read books to be excellent at reading. (wow, I didn’t really remember you were such a geek already!! But then I can’t really think of how else you could be excellent you know...  :P )

26/6/98

Friday

Good things I did

I consoled a small girl as she was crying. I went and brought some clothes from the shop which were there for ironing. I helped my mother in the house.

Bad things I did

I splashed dirty water on my friends. I cried just because I was late for my friend’s party. I got angry on my parents. I hit my elder brother. (now coming to think of it maybe I did throw some tantrums afterall!!)

(Ohh and did you learn that it’s supposed to be “angry with” in 5^th grade???)

Things I did to be excellent

I read books to be excellent at reading. (Already a bookoholic!?!?? I’m proud of you. *geeky smile*)

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll read to be excellent.

29/6/08

Monday

Good things I did

I taught my sister cycling. I helped my sister in doing her H.W.

Bad things I did

I quarrelled with my sister. I teased my friend. I did not study for the test. I did not do my H.W. on time.

Things I did to be excellent

I’ve changed my mind now because I want to be excellent at cycling and not reading.

(LOL! But in my defence that is pretty much what my life revolved around. Now I can’t be excellent at bugging my mom, teasing my sis, playing all kinds of ‘pretend’ games (since I was already excellent at masterminding those.... you know becoming the teacher, doctor, shopkeeper, husband/wife, postman, kid lost in a fire, poor blind girl, the pet dog of a naughty boy who keeps loves trying to catch his own tail, students who consistently fail to do their work etc etc), sleeping, not doing my H.W. or hide and seek and a few other random games I played with friends. )

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll cycle to be excellent at it.

Due Mail

I have owed these letters to people/things for a long long time so here it is:

Dear summer in Rajkot,

                I am absolutely sick and tired of sitting in the house for half the day because the stupid heat is too strong for me to go out without getting sick and sunburnt! It is superbly frustrating to be back home after so long and not to be able to roam around so if you don’t mind try and get lost soon and send some rain. I would truly appreciate it.

Yours truly,

Sick and tired.

 

Dear google,

                You are the bestest thing around and I absolutely adore you. You are greatness personified, the epitome of awesomeness if you please. (I know maybe thoda zyada ho gaya but you get how great you are right??) Obviously your ideas and technology have the marks of a genius but it’s the little things that make me such a great fan. All the teeny-meeny, seemingly unimportant things you can do with gmail are just fabulous. It’s so freaking cool I smile every time I discover something new! (I know that probably sounds geeky but heck care!!) Please keep up whatever you’re doing. I love you. *smiles*

Your fabulous fan.

 

Dear rains in Singapore,

                Maybe I have never told you just how awesome you are and how often you make my day. (I have already forgiven you for that time when you rained so hard that you made my horrible day way worse and made packing and moving a nightmare!!) As I sit here in sweltering heat (ok I’m at home and it’s pretty cool but you know what it’s like outside right??) I want you to know that I miss you a lot and that you’re the best thing about Singapore. Those nights when I sat by the window and saw you splattering in the distance, when I stood on the 8^th floor drenched and smiling, when I was running in the foyer at 5 in the morn and when I was singing at the top of my voice were some of the best ever. You are the perfect solution to a cranky-the-world-sucks-and-nothing-good-can-ever-come-of-it mood. Please keep coming coz I will miss you a hell lot otherwise.

Yours truly,

Ms I-totally-love-rain.

PS: Since there is a lot of rain in Singapore maybe you could come to Rajkot for some time you know..... while I’m here.

 

I rant.....

(Well, as you can see the break from thinking is officially over and so it’s gonna be a little heavy around here as I write about the numerous things that creep into mind and haven’t been written as I’ve been busier than a....... the busiest person!!! )

There are tons of things which set us apart from animals. We all started off at the same place and yet here we are thousands of years later almost able to destroy the planet. Yes, all our actions have not been the smartest but yet we have evolved to an extraordinary extent. Obviously we have a way higher IQ and yes I might sound conceited when I say this but we are definitely a higher species and there are no doubts about that.

As I was watching Ice Age today (which is btw one of the most amazing movies and super darnedest cute!) I realised another very striking difference that I hadn’t noticed till then probably. The only goals of the life of any animal are eating and reproducing. Every body part, habit, characteristic and feature is a function of these goals. Everything they do is towards getting food and ensuring that the species is carried forward. It is probably a very dull life and I doubt they ever realise that it is all they ever do but I’m sure they don’t understand the concept of boredom or entertainment for that matter. (and here I’m not talking about any pet animals who we have tried to humanise though I think they are also pretty content with sitting around and gazing....)

This is what sets us apart. Everything about us is not a function of just one goal. And whenever that is the case success is guaranteed ain’t it? We as humans hardly use a small percentage of what we are to achieve anything. And coming to think of it an effort is probably made to ensure that we don’t; in the form of entertainment. We are probably stopped from thinking and seeing things like we would in other circumstances. I know as a matter of fact that I don’t use all I have and could though maybe I’d be better off if I did but ahhh well.......   

PS: I had seen the movie long back and this incomplete post was pending. Coming to think of it, it doesn't really matter when I saw the movie but ahh well.... :D

NRI??!!?

And finally I am back. And yes, I have lots to write. I missed my blog. But instead of dumping all my posts I'll go one a day. :)

As I sat there with the form in my hand I wondered if I was an NRI technically. For some reason I’d never thought of myself in those terms. And yet I asked myself if somehow over the years I had actually become an NRI (I had to think a lot also since I have this fear that if I do not write the absolutely correct answer on these silly forms the airport authorities would haunt me forever and probably dump me in some godforsaken place). When I came back to Singapore for Uni as I looked at the trees-lined roads fly by from the cab and talked to the taxi-wala I suddenly recognised that feeling of coming back.

But yet the feeling of being at home is entirely missing over there. Yes, I have a different life over there and close friends like family yet coming to India is coming to home. That endless stretch of yellow land and those unknown yet open faces that flew by my train was home. That hustle-bustle and medley of bodies was home. That familiar tongue that I couldn’t understand was homely. The taste of unhygienic and yet awesomely yummy road-wali pani puri is home. That sweltering heat which made me conscious of every passing moment was still home!!

Who will I finally identify with, in a few years? Will I always be an Indian at heart and yet a Singaporean for most of the year? Will it really matter in the end where I live coz being an Indian is at the core of my identity? Built in me for the 17 years that I lived here. Will I also grow up to have a confused  identity like the millions before me who are swinging between the two nations and trying to fit in everywhere. Holding on to values and cultures that form a part of you.

Maybe in the end it doesn’t matter what I identify with. All of this adds up to me. I will always be an Indian no matter where I live and everywhere else that I go will just embed itself in my personality. 

Me and my religion

And I prayed fervently. Hoping against hope that some all-powerful, mysterious being in the folds of the universe would be jobless enough to listen to my insignificant cries for help and actually do something about it. And I start saying it out loud to drown out that voice of reason in me which prevented me from believing what I was saying. Maybe saying it faster would help. Maybe I could drown out all the voices around me that stop me from believing that anything could come from those cries for help!

But I know it’s hopelessly futile. There is no omnipotent, omnipresent all-mighty lord whose only job is to listen to us mortals and our insignificant worries and then actually bother to do something about it! All those meaningless rituals are truly in all probability meaningless!!! Lighting a diya, dipping bread in wine, kneeling, bowing and what not is entirely pointless. If there was truly a God somewhere I doubt he was petty enough to care whether u turned to the left and bowed or if you showered and talked to him. If he really did think all those silly little things are important than maybe I don’t want to bow down to Him/Her.  (Did I anger the Gods now???) If not believing in Him means I’m doomed to the blazing fires in the depths of hell than I doubt if I should. Shouldn’t he get it that after all we’re human ad we have our doubts and limitations? Why should I pray to someone who is cocky enough to send you to hell if you so much as doubt his existence? What happened to magnanimity and forgiving?

(Please ignore the tone... I’m not pissed or anything but just like writing this way!! :D)

“When you see all that is going on around you, you need to know it is a part of a greater plan to keep sanity.” That is the gist of what a nurse in Scrubs said. And that is what God and religion is all about. When you don’t have any hope, when you are looking for ever-elusive answers, when the world stops making sense and you wonder how things could continue going wrong like this you need to know that there is a higher being up there who is better off than you are. That there is someone who can help you, someone who has the answers and who knows that everything happens for a reason that we cannot always see. And that’s about it. Faith without questioning, belief in everything you’re told that’s what religion is about. And maybe there’s nothing wrong with it. Why can’t we believe in a few fables if that’s what it takes to get through the tough times in life?? Why can’t we believe in a few rituals that help you to rebuild faith in yourself? Its only when that blind faith starts governing your life that it really is time to stop being so blind. Except that I can’t have that faith except when at the end of my tether and really hope that there was someone out there who could fix things that I can’t. Almost seems like I’m lying to myself.

Sometimes I think that long years back when people didn’t have answers to soooo many everyday questions they just had to create mystic beings to give some semblance of sense and meaning to their lives. Create an order amidst all that lack of information. But apparently they got very caught up in it as they passed it around and now here, centuries later still caught up in it. And now I’m not saying that we should just disregard everything religion says, as all it’s trying to do is instil values that would make life simpler. Wrap it up in colourful stories and sell it. And then things got out of hand with the churches and temples and the power play.

(There are lots of other problems that I have with various faiths but I'll go into the nitty-gritty details some other time!)

So yes, I don’t think there is a God, I don’t believe in all those things that various religions have to say. The only thing kind of God I can believe in is the energy. That’s the only thing that is omnipresent and omnipotent but I know I don’t have to bow before it and it will never punish me for not acknowledging. If anything I can harness it to achieve anything I want. That is all it is about!