I love India

Before I knew what India is and what to love means I was taught to say and believe that I love my country. And before I knew it I was happy when we won a match, on the defensive for India and disappointed everytime we lost. I never questioned how the hopes of a million strong could rest on 11 guys?? (Yes, cricket illustrates my point like nothing else) It did not matter why I went out of my way to defend and fight for things I knew I couldn't deny. I was proud of things that people did thousands of years ago only because I happen to live within the same geographical boundaries after centuries. Feelings of patriotism and love for my nation came naturally and I can't even point at the things that bore these ideas into my psyche.

Then one day I asked myself? What has my country ever done for me to be proud of it or for me to love it?? Does it have to do anything? A 5 years younger Nirali had answered in all solemnity that it didn't have to do anything, I had to. But now a wiser me wants to question the concept of a nation. Wouldn't I have been as proud to be a German, French or an Iraqi for that matter. Something would always be amiss no matter what country I belonged to but I would love it for the culture, the values and the mere fact that it was home where I belonged if nothing else.

From a societal point of view the concept of a nation is important. As humans we tend to live in groups as communities, and nations are exactly these. With similar values and beliefs it is but natural to feel a sense of belonging to a certain group of individuals. And considering that there are many individuals world-wide with a strong sense of nationalism if your society or country happened to lack it all of you would be at risk. So I should probably be thankful for the few who bring this love to fruition and make life safer.

On the other hand the sense of belonging to a nation invokes a collectivist attitude in all of us. With the world becoming smaller with the spurt in technology and the spread of globalisation the national boundaries and values are becoming blurred. And while this might suggest that patriotism is dying it definitely isn't. It is there and ever present. The only difference is that now you probably sit in Singapore and cheer for India and feel depressed over its lousy performance.

I am not sure if I love my country in the true sense of the word. Would I still be an Indian if given a choice before I came to this planet? If I did choose to be an Indian would it be because I have always been and don't know otherwise? India is home and always has been. The quirks, the weirdness, the faults and all is one package. It forms a part of who I am no matter where I go and how I change. I might not always identify with Indians and agree or like many things about this land but I will still continue to be an Indian.

And yet does that mean I would do anything for it? No. I always knew the answer was no, but I used to think it was because I am a coward. But you know it only means that other things like my family are way more important to me and nothing can change that. I know it is not so for many people and I probably admire them but I wouldn't change the way I feel.

So, yes I love my country too but probably just in a different way.

Random observation

I HATE buses. Like hate them so much that the very notion of getting onto one gives me creeps and nightmares of the worst kind imaginable like the doomsday is approaching and I try to fight and run till my legs ache because of carrying me at unnatural speeds for an unholy amount of time but then like a deer that has run its course I am cornered by the evil hunters who flash flashlights into your eyes which is when I resign to fate. Anywho so you get point.

And lately I've had to spend an atrocious amount of my precious little time on buses and like most other passengers(when you spend so much time on freaking bus and your brains are rattled I think that's what everyone should be doing though I can't be sure) I observe every detail about every random person I can. I mentally appreciate and criticise the shoes and the bags and the clothes and the phones. I judge them by every little thing they do and imagine what the lives of these random people must be like. I wonder if we'll ever cross paths again and if we did will we know that we crossed once earlier. I wonder how if something out of the ordinary were to happen, some accident, some mishap how it would bind a few random strangers who had been brought on to the same bus(or train for that matter but I'll just mention buses for now) by chance.

But what amuses and baffles me more than all these things is the way these passengers of chance react to each other. Even though I don't know a single one of them and it hardly is a matter of importance I make sure that I find an empty seat with noone near even if that means walking to the end of the bus. I don't even understand why. And you know what. That is exactly what most of the other people do (except for the old ones coz they can barely stand and so can't afford to be picky). Everytime we're put in places with random people I don't know why we tend to pull away. For instance lifts!! You can't but look at the person with you in a 4x4 area yet the shifty eyes because not really proper etiquette to stare at someone though you could steal looks every now and then since we know it can't be helped.

I'm not sure if its me or an Asian thing to do or what. But I fail to understand the reason for the behaviour. I'd rather be a jackass in front of someone who doesn't know me at all and who I might never see again then someone I know right?? Or not perhaps. I don't know.

I really don't always need a title to classify what I'm talking about or I'll end up with endless posts titled "rambles" so I'll just go with Coliary.

Yes, the weather is super awesome and a somewhat cranky, confused mood is transformed.

(I still think I suck sometimes but hehe it's ok to suck. Now see that is what awesome weather does to you.)

It's amazing how transformable my mood actually is. I don't even understand how or why sometimes! I mean it really does take a lot of effort to analyse just what my brain thought so quickly that I am yet to understand and then often/sometimes I don't even bother and hope to let rain make my day. :) Who needs to mull over dumbass things when there are better things to be done???

It feels great to sit in my room looking outta the window and singing aloud random songs. :) I love the singing aloud bit but ofcourse I continue to be tone deaf. Is being tone-deaf a deficiency or disorder that can actually be corrected?? I certainly hope. Or not. Hardly matters except probably torturesome to the people who have to sometimes listen to me but then I have never been particularly environment friendly and besides its not me who stopped you from buying earplugs if its that painful and then again I'm kinda nice even if not all the time so I'll refrain from singing aloud in public. Wheewwwwww... That was one long sentence. And yes these days ridiculously long sentences that kinda make you lose your way and leave your eyes glazed while your mind wobbles along the words hoping that its the last one as Ohhh-please-have-mercy-and-just-stop-already pleas hardly seem to work, it might end are absolutely fascinating to me and ofcourse along with it comes the utter disregard for punctuation (unless critical) coz really do you think that after churning out such a garble of words before I use a fullstop I could be bothered to use a comma? :D :D

And now I have to run for a class just when I was getting into the mode but yah well.... I'll be back. Like DUH!!

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Twilight Review

Here is sincerely hoping that you have forgotten that a tiny part of me was genuinely amused by twilight and that the tiny part did go so far as to like it as well. And now the other part would like to show you the most kick-ass twilight review. Ever.

Who am I???

There is one question that I’ve asked myself repeatedly over the past few days. And I have no answer to offer yet and none in sight.

As I attended this camp over the weekend about which I have varied opinions that I shall get into later, let me just say that it wasn’t that bad for now, they posed 3 questions, the answers to which we were supposed to scribble on a piece of paper. I just sat there and kept staring at the screen.

Who are you?

Who do you pretend to be?

What are you grateful for?

I was stumped. At the end my paper read just one line: “I don’t know who I am and frankly I think I pretend to be what I think I am.”

What defines who I am?? Is it my likes and dislikes or the combination of cells and tissues that sets me apart from a million or what I believe in? Maybe its the combination of genes and the 9-letter word at the end of my name or the set of beliefs, principles, ideals that I hold or the lack thereof. Is it what I’ve done or what I might do or my fears and strengths or the fact that I love licking the cream off oreos before eating them and that my fingers are crooked (I know plain weird I tell you. I’ve tried straightening by sticking a rod to it for hours at a stretch till I could hear the cells scream in unknown languages and hammered it with a hammer (DUH!!) till I think I broke a bone or two and ended up making them look more crooked. Freakingfruck! Or maybe I didn’t do that but it doesn’t mean I don’t want them straighter any less!!!) .

So really who the hell am I?

If you are thinking that silly girl it is a combination of everything you mentioned and that thing that you forgot to mention ohhh and that other thing also then I’d like to tell you no. I was not afraid of rats once but now they scare the shit out of me. There are so many little things about one that keep changing. So does that mean I keep changing?? Is there nothing about me that would always be me no matter what! Something that would tell me who I am on the days when I am lost and confused, unsure of everything.

Pretensions are also me. A choice I make. What I would like to be! And hence, what I pretend to be is a part of who I am. Is it weird that sometimes I wonder if I actually like what I like and if I actually am scared of what I think I am? They could just be notions that I might have developed over time. (I know it sounds super lame but yaaaa...)

At some point in our lives we all stop and ask ourselves these questions. Who am I? Where am I going and where do I want to go? I'm not sure if all of us manage to figure that out but some like me are left stumped blogging about it. If you got lost along the way I think I did too. I started by saying something and went on somewhere.

So really who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.

xoxo ;)

Update: If you have any insights at all to offer they are more than welcome. Or if you know who you are then I would like to know!

And then I said....

And sometimes what you think is right isn't. You stand at the crossroads of life and wonder where you want to go. Was the last turn I took the correct one? If you can go to a few places together?? Because you see you can't but do everything. And then at the end of the day when you sit on your bed with your eyes closed you wonder why the roads can't merge?? Why can't there be a sign that will direct me??

Or probably you call yourself a dumass a few times for not being able to figure out. And then you wish for time to pause for a second while you figure yourself out. But the question is will you ever be able to do that??

Yes, i know I suck. And I'm not excusing myself just stating a fact. And it has nothing to do with today. Maybe a little. Like you know the last straw before the realisation strikes home.

This is not how I usually write. Yes, I'm never this open right??? But fuck it. It's my blog and I can write anything I want!! SO here goes......

Life's a bitch. For once I want to see things get right coz I'm losing hope now. Could I atleast know that there is a chance?? So that I know that I just have to wait a bit.

I'm biased.

I have preconcieved notions that sometimes I don't even want to get rid of.

I wonder if I know myself.

I don't know if I will publish this post.

I fail to understand why I shoudn't.

I am just saying some things coz I don't want to say some others. Yes, I'm vague like that.

(How different do I sound from the day before!!)

And now I'm struggling to find some words. Some meaning in a jumble of words and letters. There is none.

Rant. Gnomes and wiggles.

And yes, finally I’m back in Singapore. And coming back has been one eventful journey. I didn’t even know that so many things could actually go wrong at the start time. It probably all started that fateful night we couldn’t find my passport. Goshhhhh, the frenzy!! I was already looking at procedures to get a new one. Anywho we found it at like 3 in the night and I left in the morning. Then my sis manages to lose my phone charger. Laptop charger spoilt, net in room not working. Mom and all lose their head over me not calling. Then yesterday I break my sandal! Can’t find my transponder which was then recovered wedged between mattress and bed.

Ok all this was true as of a few days back..... Then I forgot to continue and well now things are hopefully getting back on track, which means I haven’t lost anything since Saturday. And that is a record right there especially after the nightmare that the past 2 weeks had been. I was on a roll baby!! Did I mention I also managed to find my passport that I didn’t know I had lost!! But yes hopefully I’m past it all. *crosses fingers and shuts eyes tightly and mutters loudly*

Yes, I know I’m kinda hopeless and all. I continue to surprise myself. And not pleasantly let me mention!

I want to become a train but I don’t want passengers. They just dirty the trains and I want to be a train in India. It’ll be sooooo amazing I don’t think I’d ever want to stop. Oh but I really must be a train that is electronic and environment friendly and can whistle!!!! :D

I’m on the path to awesomeness. The last few weeks haven’t been bad but they could have been better! Ohh yes they will be. I mean not they but the coming ones.

Can I live without doing my laundry like ever?? Someday I want to be so rich that I instead of washing clothes I can just buy new ones and throw the ones I’ve worn away. J ok if I’m that rich I can have a laundry service that washes my clothes after collecting them from all over the place without my ever coming to know! You know like a secret genie. Only that it will be a genie in white coz I really don’t like blue genies.

Umm well a baby blue can. Only the dark one is an absolute no!

Ahhh well frankly I’m ok with a light pink genie also.

Pretty cool huh????

Ohhh yes there are pink genies. And well since I don't really like pink so much imagine she is in white. A white ephemereal image!

I think my stomach would seriously try and kick my ass except that it is out of reach!! We have a miscommunication problem that’s it. Ok a little bit more. Maybe I abuse it by over-feeding or under-feeding as per my whim.

Jus maybeeeeee you know.

I’m sleepy already. I sometimes think I have gnomes in my brain. They can be freaking rebellious and yet work as well. They’re a bit wonky and hobbly-gobbly but ah well they have no escape and neither do I!

Gosshhhhh and it must really be scary to be trapped in someone’s brain like that right?? Ok the thought is only giving me chills. Imagine what you would have to do when you need to pee!! Actually the brain has so many crevices and shit shouldn’t be a bother probably.

Ok I’m saying anything now so I should really go and watch Gossip Girl before I discuss gnomes and brains in excruciating detail.

Ohh and before I go off I must tell you that I am really scared of Indian railway stations and men in formals who look normal. (oooohhh rhyme!) I am never ever going to a railway station alone. *shivers and shudders*

Tess of the D'urbervilles

And as a part of my intense holiday program I was on a reading spree. And one of the bestest books I’ve read this summer was Tess of the D’urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. And I sincerely recommend it as a must read except that it’s a bit of a tough one so you might have to struggle initially (I had to). It’s a brilliantly written piece of work that makes you fall in love with the heroine, feel injustice at her misfortune and depression at her misery. When she bears it all silently you want to fight for her, for what is she but a pawn at the hands of cruel fate!

(There are many many wonderful lines that, if patience permits, I shall put up.)

End here I must add a spoiler alert in case you intend to read it. J

Her innocence and childishness are Tess’ greatest attributes and yet her greatest weaknesses. Like the author says she is a child trapped in a woman’s body. Her love is pure and of the kind which I doubt exists beyond the pages of a book. Is it possible to love someone so much that his existence defines your own? So much that values, principles and life only hold meaning if you see them in his eyes? So freaking much that your only regret ever is being away from no matter what he does? I could probably say a lot more about it but it would never be enough.

When I was reading the book one thing nagged at me the most. I couldn’t believe it that Tess should keep loving Angel in that selfless, devoted and revering manner. Never was there a moment of doubt. Many a doubts about herself and her worth but not one about him. Her love was complete even during the darkest moments, probably all the more then as she suffered miseries that had never been so undeserved. I thought she was foolish and silly when she was willing to forgive him after he was such a jackass. The worst part!??!?? Her only regret when he finally came back was that she didn’t wait just a little more!!! And I wanted to scream at him and throw things for not having enough faith in her. He would never deserve her. And that is when it hit me. Just when things could probably get right again she could ruin it if she didn’t accept him! She had to react the way she did because life would never be worth living without him right?!? She was practically living in hell every moment away from him. Then why stick to his follies and find a way back to hell when you could get out???

Life can be a bitch sometimes and frankly it doesn’t matter who you are. You have to keep struggling through it and hope that better things await you. Some things are always going to be beyond your control, you just have to try your best at what is within your control and hope it will be enough.

And now for a few excerpts from the book....

“In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say ‘SEE? ‘ to her poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply ‘Here!’ to a body’s cry of ‘Where?’ till the hide-and-seek has become an outworn and irksome game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will be corrected by a finer intuition, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us around and along; but such completeness is not to be prophesied or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, it was not the two halves of a prefect whole that confronted each other at the perfect moment; a missing counterpart wandered independently about the earth waiting in crass obtuseness till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang disappointments, anxieties........”

“‘By experience,’ says Roger Ascham, ‘we find out a short way by a long wandering.’ Not seldom that long wandering unfits us for further travel, and of what use is our experience to us then? Tess Durbeyfield’s experience was of this incapacitating kind. At last she had learnt what to do but who accept her doing now?”

“Thou hast counselled a better course than thou hast permitted. “

“This hobble of being alive is rather serious, don’t you think so?”

“Life is a mishap...”

I have lots more that I loved but have lost them right and don’t have the book. Le sigh... I am so buying it!! So more to come some day. J

The Notebook

And finally I figured out something.

I totally love the movie ‘The Notebook’. It appeals to the 13yr old in me which I would totally like to deny but I know is pointless. The absolutely adorable Rachel McAdams with that naughty smile, lovely dimples and the most exuberant personality and the arrogant Ryan Gosling with his cocky and yet oh-so-cute character make me go awwwwwww!

(I know that is like supremely cheesy but in my defence the movie is also the epitome of cheesiness and yet so cute!!! It has all the classic elements you know.... Rich, pretty girl falls in love with the hunky, poor guy and then there is the evil family but they make it!! And yet it’s made in this beautiful way. Maybe it’s the actors because of whom I love the movie. But ya... :D )

But then everytime they show the older Allie and Noah I wished I could just delete it and have just the younger awesome versions on screen you know. It was so much nicer that way. That killing smile and that adoring look.....

*is looking away starry-eyed into the distance with the hint of a smile on the face*

But finally I figured out today why they had to have the older versions in the movie. I knew that atleast in this case they stick it out with each other. Love doesn’t evaporate as the burdens of real life fall upon the shoulders. It is not just another compromise that you make as life goes on. That even if Allie became old and fat and wrinkled she was still Noah’s Allie and would always be! The ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t come when the two young lovers unite and make vows that only death will part them. It comes when those two lovers grow old together and the love just grows stronger. When even she has stopped knowing herself he will continue knowing and understanding her. When she fails to recognise herself in the mirror he will never forget her. When the music of her lost fingers finds its way to his heart.

So everytime the older Noah and Allie appear on the screen it is to remind us that this once they mean what they say and will continue to. This once it probably is truly love.

Few more letters since obviously I love them

Dear Indian television,

                See I don’t wanna curse you and all right now even though you are supremely retarded and probably one of the dumbest things on this planet made for people with brains the size of an ant’s kidney-stone because I need you now. As simple as that. So can you please show something a wee bit sensible or entertaining atleast? I have way too much time and nothing to do and a good dose of TV is what Nirali needs. I haven’t had TV for what like 10 months and I can’t be sick of it already. L I like the pretty dresses and ahh well you might as well make it a fashion show with awesome sets and decent music (yes I’m sorry to break your brittle heart but you do need different, good music that is a lot less melodramatic and probably a bit nicer you know.... you could try something with) with no one talking since hardly anyone says anything worth listening to.

                Please look into the aforementioned issue and I will be highly grateful. If you want I’m more than willing to help. While I’m at it maybe I could look into the judges for some of the shows who are supremely dull and imbecile. Or the anchors who could win an award for the longest string of dumb things ever said by anyone on TV. Ohh and yes I think I’ll have to help you with the guys you have on the show who could be more charming and maybe win over the girl without 5 minutes of background music and a lovey-dovey song and boring-the-shit-out-of-the-audience look on his face.

                Coming to think of it you don’t need to do anything just let me help and I’ll try to make something of it.

Yours truly

Genuinely bored and truly concerned viewer.

 

Dear Shahrukh,

                You’ve been my favourite for a long time. It was a childish fascination I must say but you were always entertaining to say the least though I never fell in love with you. But you have been disappointing me consistently. So much so that I don’t even remember the last decent movie that you made that I really really liked. Well, I can’t make excuses for you anymore (I know you didn’t ask me to ever but I couldn’t help it). It’s just not worth it. So really if you want to be worthy of your stardom you should start doing some quality work. There are so many others out there more deserving of the fame.

Yours truly,

A lost fan

PS: Just to make it clear you’re not a favourite anymore. All the best.

 

Dear Rajkot and its people,

                You’ve been a very dear place and home to me but let me tell you something. You’ve just made a very big mistake by electing the wrong person. Normally you don’t give a crap which way this country goes but for once you had a chance to do something right. Yes, I might be biased but I know for a fact that the guy you didn’t elect was good. And frankly now you’ll probably get what you deserve for making dumb choices. You’re just blinded and can’t see a man for what he is.

Yours truly

 Regretful for not being here to vote!