And then I said....

And sometimes what you think is right isn't. You stand at the crossroads of life and wonder where you want to go. Was the last turn I took the correct one? If you can go to a few places together?? Because you see you can't but do everything. And then at the end of the day when you sit on your bed with your eyes closed you wonder why the roads can't merge?? Why can't there be a sign that will direct me??

Or probably you call yourself a dumass a few times for not being able to figure out. And then you wish for time to pause for a second while you figure yourself out. But the question is will you ever be able to do that??

Yes, i know I suck. And I'm not excusing myself just stating a fact. And it has nothing to do with today. Maybe a little. Like you know the last straw before the realisation strikes home.

This is not how I usually write. Yes, I'm never this open right??? But fuck it. It's my blog and I can write anything I want!! SO here goes......

Life's a bitch. For once I want to see things get right coz I'm losing hope now. Could I atleast know that there is a chance?? So that I know that I just have to wait a bit.

I'm biased.

I have preconcieved notions that sometimes I don't even want to get rid of.

I wonder if I know myself.

I don't know if I will publish this post.

I fail to understand why I shoudn't.

I am just saying some things coz I don't want to say some others. Yes, I'm vague like that.

(How different do I sound from the day before!!)

And now I'm struggling to find some words. Some meaning in a jumble of words and letters. There is none.

Rant. Gnomes and wiggles.

And yes, finally I’m back in Singapore. And coming back has been one eventful journey. I didn’t even know that so many things could actually go wrong at the start time. It probably all started that fateful night we couldn’t find my passport. Goshhhhh, the frenzy!! I was already looking at procedures to get a new one. Anywho we found it at like 3 in the night and I left in the morning. Then my sis manages to lose my phone charger. Laptop charger spoilt, net in room not working. Mom and all lose their head over me not calling. Then yesterday I break my sandal! Can’t find my transponder which was then recovered wedged between mattress and bed.

Ok all this was true as of a few days back..... Then I forgot to continue and well now things are hopefully getting back on track, which means I haven’t lost anything since Saturday. And that is a record right there especially after the nightmare that the past 2 weeks had been. I was on a roll baby!! Did I mention I also managed to find my passport that I didn’t know I had lost!! But yes hopefully I’m past it all. *crosses fingers and shuts eyes tightly and mutters loudly*

Yes, I know I’m kinda hopeless and all. I continue to surprise myself. And not pleasantly let me mention!

I want to become a train but I don’t want passengers. They just dirty the trains and I want to be a train in India. It’ll be sooooo amazing I don’t think I’d ever want to stop. Oh but I really must be a train that is electronic and environment friendly and can whistle!!!! :D

I’m on the path to awesomeness. The last few weeks haven’t been bad but they could have been better! Ohh yes they will be. I mean not they but the coming ones.

Can I live without doing my laundry like ever?? Someday I want to be so rich that I instead of washing clothes I can just buy new ones and throw the ones I’ve worn away. J ok if I’m that rich I can have a laundry service that washes my clothes after collecting them from all over the place without my ever coming to know! You know like a secret genie. Only that it will be a genie in white coz I really don’t like blue genies.

Umm well a baby blue can. Only the dark one is an absolute no!

Ahhh well frankly I’m ok with a light pink genie also.

Pretty cool huh????

Ohhh yes there are pink genies. And well since I don't really like pink so much imagine she is in white. A white ephemereal image!

I think my stomach would seriously try and kick my ass except that it is out of reach!! We have a miscommunication problem that’s it. Ok a little bit more. Maybe I abuse it by over-feeding or under-feeding as per my whim.

Jus maybeeeeee you know.

I’m sleepy already. I sometimes think I have gnomes in my brain. They can be freaking rebellious and yet work as well. They’re a bit wonky and hobbly-gobbly but ah well they have no escape and neither do I!

Gosshhhhh and it must really be scary to be trapped in someone’s brain like that right?? Ok the thought is only giving me chills. Imagine what you would have to do when you need to pee!! Actually the brain has so many crevices and shit shouldn’t be a bother probably.

Ok I’m saying anything now so I should really go and watch Gossip Girl before I discuss gnomes and brains in excruciating detail.

Ohh and before I go off I must tell you that I am really scared of Indian railway stations and men in formals who look normal. (oooohhh rhyme!) I am never ever going to a railway station alone. *shivers and shudders*

Tess of the D'urbervilles

And as a part of my intense holiday program I was on a reading spree. And one of the bestest books I’ve read this summer was Tess of the D’urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. And I sincerely recommend it as a must read except that it’s a bit of a tough one so you might have to struggle initially (I had to). It’s a brilliantly written piece of work that makes you fall in love with the heroine, feel injustice at her misfortune and depression at her misery. When she bears it all silently you want to fight for her, for what is she but a pawn at the hands of cruel fate!

(There are many many wonderful lines that, if patience permits, I shall put up.)

End here I must add a spoiler alert in case you intend to read it. J

Her innocence and childishness are Tess’ greatest attributes and yet her greatest weaknesses. Like the author says she is a child trapped in a woman’s body. Her love is pure and of the kind which I doubt exists beyond the pages of a book. Is it possible to love someone so much that his existence defines your own? So much that values, principles and life only hold meaning if you see them in his eyes? So freaking much that your only regret ever is being away from no matter what he does? I could probably say a lot more about it but it would never be enough.

When I was reading the book one thing nagged at me the most. I couldn’t believe it that Tess should keep loving Angel in that selfless, devoted and revering manner. Never was there a moment of doubt. Many a doubts about herself and her worth but not one about him. Her love was complete even during the darkest moments, probably all the more then as she suffered miseries that had never been so undeserved. I thought she was foolish and silly when she was willing to forgive him after he was such a jackass. The worst part!??!?? Her only regret when he finally came back was that she didn’t wait just a little more!!! And I wanted to scream at him and throw things for not having enough faith in her. He would never deserve her. And that is when it hit me. Just when things could probably get right again she could ruin it if she didn’t accept him! She had to react the way she did because life would never be worth living without him right?!? She was practically living in hell every moment away from him. Then why stick to his follies and find a way back to hell when you could get out???

Life can be a bitch sometimes and frankly it doesn’t matter who you are. You have to keep struggling through it and hope that better things await you. Some things are always going to be beyond your control, you just have to try your best at what is within your control and hope it will be enough.

And now for a few excerpts from the book....

“In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say ‘SEE? ‘ to her poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply ‘Here!’ to a body’s cry of ‘Where?’ till the hide-and-seek has become an outworn and irksome game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will be corrected by a finer intuition, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us around and along; but such completeness is not to be prophesied or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, it was not the two halves of a prefect whole that confronted each other at the perfect moment; a missing counterpart wandered independently about the earth waiting in crass obtuseness till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang disappointments, anxieties........”

“‘By experience,’ says Roger Ascham, ‘we find out a short way by a long wandering.’ Not seldom that long wandering unfits us for further travel, and of what use is our experience to us then? Tess Durbeyfield’s experience was of this incapacitating kind. At last she had learnt what to do but who accept her doing now?”

“Thou hast counselled a better course than thou hast permitted. “

“This hobble of being alive is rather serious, don’t you think so?”

“Life is a mishap...”

I have lots more that I loved but have lost them right and don’t have the book. Le sigh... I am so buying it!! So more to come some day. J