Abstinence

Yes I am abstaining from the internet. Which means I do not go online at all. No facebook, no gchat and no yahoo. Let me tell you its no easy feat! Day 1 and 4 hours into the challenge and I already found myself tempted a few times!

I am hopelessly addicted. I log on to Facebook god knows how many times and while I am at home there is a very good chance you'll find me on gmail unless I am sleeping. I don't know how that happened. Most of the times I am invisible but hey just coz I am online so often doesn't make me very social. Is it really a bad thing? Maybe its not. Everyone is hooked onto their Smartphones and that is the trend of the day but I would like to know that I can kick it. And if its really that difficult to stay offline, it is all the more reason for me to try! The change was sudden but internet just creeped into our lives. Just 3 years back smartphones were a rarity and today who doesn't have it? 

Maybe I am still an old-fashioned bum who likes to think that we need to break off from technology and find the time to sit and stare. Look at the world and all that shit ya know. And I am ok with that. Sure I am fascinated and being without a radar myself I acknowledge that its one heck of a blessing. And yet here I am trying to fight it. I am weird like that. 

I am really not sure why I do such random things and try to fight the internet. But you know what, its on bitches! Hopefully, it leads to more productivity coz I could totally use that you know. 

I have no appropriate title as happens often

I have too many flaws and if I were to list them I wouldn't know where to start. What is interesting though is that for a long time I never really saw them as flaws. I mean so what if I am a little impatient right? Or highly impatient if you will. That is not a flaw flaw. So what if I am short-tempered occasionally? In my world there were some flaws which were acceptable and there were some which totally weren't. I don't think much has changed but once in a while I do think I should be able to change some things. It would be good if my mind didn't go crazy doing summersaults and thinking overtime. (Why does blogspot not have summersault in the dictionary?!? Its like how my phone doesn't have bitch or fuck though that is probably worse.) No, I am not going to go ahead and list my numerous flaws as that is a much longer list best left to some other time. (Incidentally, leaving things to some other time would be a part of that list.)

(This is not my best piece of writing fyi. I have too much I need to vent and this is just a super long rant. It might not even be long coz right now I only have that vestigial feeling of the need to write but the moment has definitely passed.)

Once in a while I find a blog that makes me go "Omg! That sounds just like me!!" Neurotic crazy individuals who do random, quirky things which remind me of my own absurdities. What sets them apart though is that they actually pen down some things I would never dream about publishing even on this rather obscure blog. That's how I am wired. If it is important and actually matters to me I will go out of my way to never discuss it to anyone. I have lots of friends but when it comes to sharing the messed up bits of my life I won't turn to anyone. And no its not their fault cause I do have an amazing bunch of friends but I have never learnt to share. The moments of openness are few and rare and set far apart sadly. It amazes me how people share important aspects of their life on public platforms like blogs and facebook. Maybe that's a part of growing up and I need to start taking my baby steps much as I appreciate my own company. Narcissist much? Maybe....

Patriotism?

For some reason I never associated or saw patriotism as a thing of the present. It always appeared in the History textbooks and whatever little relevance it had to my life it never meant giving up your life for something you believed in. It just never occurred to me that people might actually give up their lives for political beliefs! Naive much? I guess. And that is not to mention the hundreds of lives I know were given up for nation and religion.

Yet, when I read about the lives lost in Sudan, Tunisia, Egypt and Yemen for political freedom it shocks me. They must be people with families. Normal people with the passion to fight for what they believe in. What moved them? Did they think they would lose their lives? Were they willing to lose their lives? Were the close ones willing to let them go? How does one make their peace with something like that?

There are just so many unanswered questions. I don't know what are the answers I am looking for. The idea that some of those lives were lost and yet they might have been coerced into fighting for it, that they might just have been pawns in a much larger political agenda; is very daunting.

I remember distinctly, as a small kid I was very patriotic. Maybe it was the school, the environment or the fact that I am just a bit of an idiot which was responsible; I have never clearly understood. I wanted to do things for my nation. I saw things that were wrong or that people told me were wrong and with my naivete I wanted to go and correct that, armed with nothing but good will. What could possibly go wrong when you are smart and have a good heart? Clearly, nothing!!

Then something happened. I grew up. I questioned everything I had been taught and made to believe as a fact that you don't doubt. "India is great and you are proud to be an Indian." It didn't make sense. All I knew was that some other things were so much more important to me. I blamed it on me being a coward only to wake up and realise one day that its more than just cowardice and courage. Its about what you value more than what you have been taught to value or what you perceive you value.

I am yet trying to understand and figure out my life, my values and what I want. I admire everyone who has the courage to stand up for what they believe in. I hope to be able to do that if nothing though I don't know if I will ever be convinced to give up my life for my nation.

PS: To every Indian soldier out there who has given up more than I could possibly imagine please do not get me wrong. I value what you're doing just that I don't think I am capable of doing the same.

Out of Control

"And I know not if, save in this, such gift be allowed to man,
That out of three sounds he frame, not a fourth sound, but a star." - Browning

"A hive about to swarm is a hive possessed. it becomes visibly agitated around the mouth of its entrance. The colony whines in a centreless loud drone that vibrates the neighbourhood. It begins to spit out masses of bees, as if it were emptying not only its guts but its soul. A poltergeist-like storm of tiny wills materialises over the hive box. It grows to be a small dark cloud of purpose, opaque with life. Boosted by a tremendous buzzing racket, the ghost slowly rises into the sky, leaving behind the empty box and quiet bafflement. The German theosophist Rudolf Steiner writes lucidly in his otheriwse kooky Nine Lectures on Bees: "Just as the human soul takes leave of the body... one can truly see in the flying swarm an image of the departing human soul." "