And I dump all of it.

I have too many opinions. So often I go I do not like this and I do not like that or I don’t support this and I don’t believe in that. It’s endless. Yes, an extension of being awfully judgmental and I can’t help dishing them out every so often more often than not to find out if you agree. I don’t care whether you do or not but somehow I must know. So I can argue with you and convince you otherwise or convince myself because what the hell I have to argue and I have to discuss. It’s an affliction. Anywho considering I have been doing this a little too much lately I decided I am going to dump all of my ridiculous, probably biased opinions.

• I hate corduroy pants. Really really hate them!
• I hate velvet dresses or tops or any kind of clothes.
• Nothing excuses wearing socks with slippers.
• I don’t believe that you ever do anything without expecting something in return. It doesn’t make sense and it is not possible for a human! We are a selfish people and we always do something to get something in return. It is the law of life so yes all that crap about altruism, and doing something for someone is well what I said it is, crap. And there is nothing wrong with that. That is probably the reason why the world functions, why we function. Ofcourse it gets complicated when you try to find a balance between what you deserve and what you actually expect.
• Love is not blind. You act blind to some things because you make exceptions. Willingly. In the end it is all about making exceptions.
• I don’t like cats. In fact I don’t like any animals unless they are far away or in a picture or video.
• Chocolates and ice creams make life better. And so do sisters. <3
• I don’t like doctors.
• I don’t believe in the death penalty or even religion.
• I am a confused person and I think I lost the point of this ranting a while back but I will continue nonetheless.
• I believe who you are remains the same after a certain point in your life even though everything about you changes beyond recognition. Occasionally something really dramatic could bend that inner you.
• There is no god and we only turn to him because we need faith and if it has a face it makes life more bearable.
• I used to be patriotic but I think it has lost meaning now. For a long time I found a reason to love India. It is not enough to be born in that country though a part of me is attached by virtue of it being my home. And it pisses me off to hear about our golden history trying to instill pride while the present continues to embarrass us. I get it national pride is important for us to survive as a nation but I am sorry it is not working on me.
• I don’t like liars and hypocrites.
• I am in awe of Alan Shore. I admire how he stands up for what he believes in. A man of values.
• I don’t like the notion of the government parenting the people. Awful as it sounds I actually believe that if you are stupid enough not to know what is good for you, you probably deserve it and it is not the Government’s job to protect you from yourself but protect the society as a whole.
• I am highly fascinated by bullet points. I am fascinated by lots of random things.
• I love drinking but I strongly disapprove of smoking.
• I love a bum.
• Peanut butter and chocolate spread are awesome!

I could go on and on but for now it feels good to have dumped all of it here. I might not believe the same thing tomorrow and I am okay with that because I am sure to change perspective, see things in a different light but for now I believe in what I said. :)

Would you...

Would you rather charge an innocent man or let a guilty one get away??


I asked myself many a times and each time I end up letting the guilty one get away. There are too many factors to be considered like what was the guilt, who is at risk, how guilty etc. Putting all that aside if I were to pick I wouldn't risk charging an innocent.

PS: Liberty lives in our hearts and no constitution can save it once it dies there.
PPS: That was unrelated. :P

HOW?!??!? HOW DO YOU DO IT?!???

Ok yes, I find it awfully hard to decide things. I over-think. It is typical for me to go on and on about how something is good or bad till either I run out of time and am stuck with the last option or my head hurts.

Like for a simple meal I consider things like:

When was the last time I had X? So do I want it again? How long will it take? Do I have to go far? What other options do I have? What are their pros and cons? Was it nice the last time I had it? Do I have to eat now? What if I am hungry after 2 hrs again?! What will I eat then?? Should I just wait? But then I am hungry.... Can I wait? So should I get something more filling? Then if.... (This is just a trailer trust me. It would be a treat staying in my brain!)

It goes on and on and on.... Do you see what that is like?!? I need to shut my brains!! Stop thinking so much. It is so uncool. If there are gnomes in my brain I'm sure they feel like they're living in a press that refuses to stop working. (I really have no idea where the gnomes come from!! ) Yes, even at night coz I am so awesome I think and think even in my sleep! If electricity was used for thinking I would be responsible for a HUGE percentage of the pollution. Thank you very much. I am a very non-environment friendly person. 

I don't even know if I should be thankful I am able to pick my clothes every morning without spending hours on it! And you know what consumerism has just resulted in my brain having to work overtime!!

So yes, if you are normal please tell me how you manage to decide whether this or that?? Chocolate chips or double chocolate?? blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

And the rut gets deeper...

Sometimes you wonder if you will ever get out of that rut. It seems like it has always been there. Occasionally you pretend its not a rut and on other days you try scramble your way out. Ofcourse you just end up with dirt in your nails in a deeper rut.

But someday you will get out right?? You have to!! If you want to move from one day to the next you have to believe that you will!

I am going to quit before I make this post any more depressing and hopefully I will come back with something a little more cheerful the next time I visit this place.

Death...

I hate it when people use euphemisms about death!!! No, you do not wake up in a better place and no you don't go to heaven! I have a lot to say about this and no time so will get to it later.


PS: I know it helps us get along but it's just a blatant lie and I don't appreciate it!

Updated: It is so ironic that right now I would love to say this euphemism to someone and be able to believe it.To be able to convince them. And yet it eludes me as I struggle to find words.

The unuttered....

Its been forever since I wrote. Yes, words seem to elude me and I try to avoid having to pen down anything anywhere while I hope that soon I will have to get it out. And I hate this feeling. The feeling of sitting at the keyboard waiting to write something that probably doesnt want to be written. And surprisingly it is just like words. Words that you don't say but which don't die. You try hard to forget them but they stick, unuttered. That's the fascinating thing about words, they're beautiful and alluring and just rarely they vapourise. Most of the times they appear, an expression of what you think, believe and feel. :)

Does it make sense to anyone?

As I scan through the news I read about lots of things that go wrong with the world. There are earthquakes and tsunamis and floods and like that wasn't death enough people decide to go out there and kill each other themselves blinded by a dozen reasons. Reasons that make sense on paper and in conference rooms as great minds discuss strategies and combat ad move the pieces of pawn. And yet on the field it translates to lives. It means that someone will not see the morning the next day, will not hit the bed at night and curse about how life sucks coz someone took that life away and there will be someone who will yearn for him to come back as the emptiness of the night creeps in. But he that was swallowed will never come back. To them it won't make sense; why tomorrow should not have some and yet have some.

And then there will be me and thousands like me who will scan the news and lament over the loss of these lives. Except that they will just be numbers to me. Numbers that though horrifying are just numbers. Numbers that I will soon forget as I wake up to a new tomorrow. Once in a while one of these numbers will find a face, a voice and a name in a book or a movie and I will mourn the waste. Till the face is blurred by a flurry of days. 

Do I regret that?? No, I don't. Harsh as it may sound I'm glad they are just numbers. I don't think I have the capacity or the horizon to give names to the multitudes lost. They will always mean something to only a few and become part of the statistics for the rest of us. It's the way it is meant to be. Throughout life we pass by thousands of people in various ways and only some are meant to stay with you as the years fade away. Once in a while you'll miss the ones that went separate ways. (There I digress a little.)

I don't know how the Presidents and the Prime Ministers and their army of minds sleep at night knowing that their decision or their judgement could have cost a life. A few thousand lives! And just what if it was a mistake? What if you made an error? How do you then tell yourself that you won't repeat it?! How do you tell those who are not here anymore that you made a mistake? Cause now they are not here any more!! And yet someone has to make those decisions. Because in the grand scheme of things your chickening out won't always save lives! There will always be other factors beyond your control who will force you to make these choices. You just sure as help hope that you're right or that a pricking conscience doesn't keep you up like it might keep some. 

Choices

When does one start having a choice?? I don't know when was the first time I shook my head and told mom that I wanted the blue toffee instead of the red one. When I shook my head to tell her I'm not hungry or that I don't like that icky looking spoonful she is trying to feed me.

But these weren't the important choices. The important choices would have been whether I wanted to go to school or not? Whether I wanted wanted to dance or play basketball. And I'm not saying that things have been forced on me.

But just when do children exactly start making their own choices? When should they be allowed to choose their paths? When we know that now they'll choose like we teach them to? What should they be allowed to choose? (Yes, I think I can safely say that I have crossed the line. :P )

We guide them and direct them into seeing the world as we see it. We teach them to appreciate what we appreciate and value what we value. And sometimes I wonder which bit would've been me if not for some influence or another.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. When you enter this world and stare at the plain blue sky you need someone to tell you, you can fly if you get out. To tell you not to scorch yourself as you scale distances. To hold your hand and show you what the ground feels like. The only trouble is when we don't see the world clearly ourselves. When we try to impose what is not for us to impose!

It is very tricky and a lucky few get it right.

Holi

I just realised how much I miss mom and Shivali on holi. I'm not really that big on taking colours and acting like a nutcase.  But they were always so excited. Right since morning. I remember even as kids Shivali couldn't wait to start messing the house. Right since she woke up. Or sometimes the day before only. :) And I tried my best to stay clean till as long as I could. Till I was finally bullied by mom and Shivali and become a mega mess. It was like they couldn't get enough of messing the crap out of me till I probably had purple scalp and blue nails!!

Yes, they bullied dad too. :)

And I miss that. I miss mom forcing me to get out of the house and enjoy the day. She tried from there but it doesn't work unless she is there to drag me along.

I love you guys and I miss you a lot. Every bit of it. And for a change I wish that you could put every damn colour on me much against my will. I wish.....

I have no clue what is there in this post but it was incomplete so I'm gonna go ahead and write something so I can publish it. You've been warned. Probably.

Remember that time I was all like there are gnomes in my brain and that they are  little wonky cause really being caged in someone's brain would totally turn you that way especially considering that well brains are not really the most friendly places to be in especially if its a brain like those in Harry Potter V in which case I really pity the gnomes or whoever is trapped. Though coming to think of it the reason those brains must be acting all evil and all is because the gnomes or whosoever had become Evil. Anywho I deviate.

What I've come to realise is that I have no freaking clue how I came to write this post in the first place since I abandoned it after the deviation and that doesn't give me any clues as to where I could possibly have been going with all that rant. Anywho I still decided to continue writing and take it somewhere I guess because I really don't like incomplete drafts and I am beginning to have too many of them that I never complete or post. So blog bitch its not happening now coz I am going to finish it even if I have no freaking clue why I was talking about gnomes in the first place. It is highly possible that they were rampaging the crevices in which they hide causing me to forget what I was saying except that now it has been so freaking long since I started writing this thing that I can't even go ahead and say its all the fault of the gnomes!!

Anywho so I was out last evening watching the calm sea and the buildings and the lights. It was a really beautiful place and I could sit there staring forever. (ok you know not forever) And then as the sun disappeared too many lights appeared out of nowhere giving shape and meaning to the things that would have been swallowed by the darkness of the night otherwise. The skyline of buildings unknown and the castle that holds princesses and dreams and fairies and unicorns(there actually was a castle we could see. No kidding)!! I love watching the reflection of these lights in the water. Shimmering, shifty, mysterious, trying to find a form, a shape. One with the water, the waves and the ripples. I stare at it trying to find pretty words that would make it more beautiful but I know there are none that  might help. I wonder why we do that?! Trying to put into words memories and feelings and such pictures as if they are not concrete on their own. (Atleast I do that sometimes.)

Ahh well to complete this super random post I'm going to tell about the most awesome coffee cup that I just bought! Better still......

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... :D *grins like an idiot and almost does a little happy dance*

(I know the pic barely does justice to the cup but ahhh well... :D )

Pending Mail

Dear lost me,

I'm not sure what has happened but just when you thought you had all the time in the world to scribble away and get it out of your system the words got lost on the way. There are too many incomplete posts and unsaid things that you need  to get out of the way!!

Anywho this is the first step towards that and revamping of this space. So hoping to see you back on track. :)

Yours truly,
The sane you.


Dear NUS,

I don't wanna die at this tender age. You're trying your best so try and let me survive will you? I know it's kinda hard for you but we can work on it together. *a really flattering smile* I'm glad to be back if we're both going to give it a shot. (that's a lie but I hope it works!)

I won't ruin anything with more words but cheers to you not screwing me!

Yours truly,
Wary of the new sem.


Dear home,

I miss you a lotttttttttttt. Like really really really really a lot! Miss everything about you. (Like everything! ;) ) Ya to you I just wanted to say you were superrrrr awesome and I hope to be back soon! :D

Yours truly,
Missing you a heck lot.

Grey's Anatomy

So now I’m waiting in the waiting area for my flight and there seems to be some more time and nothing to do! The end of another holidays. For some reason this waiting area gives me a very sad feeling like I wasn’t happy the last time I was here. Anywho not the point. The point is the holidays were awesome and I didn’t want them to end. I never really do even if I miss Singapore once in a while. And well I did nothing productive throughout the break much unlike what I wanted and yet much like what was to be expected! (seriously I am pretty much hopeless like that! Le sigh.). But I digress. What I actually wanted to say was that in the spirit of being unproductive and jobless I saw a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. And it is super awesome so if you haven’t seen it you should give it a shot! J

And every time I see it among the other things that I ponder over, one is how some professions have so little leeway for mistakes! If I make little mistakes and forget things, that I’m very much prone much to, much to my chagrin, sometimes its okay! It doesn’t stop the world and more often than not the only one who pays for it is me!  But some people can’t afford those mistakes! Like surgeons and firemen and policemen and presidents and soldiers. They don’t get the benefit of doubt. If they screw up other people pay and so does their conscience.  

Which brings me to another reason why I love grey’s. They care. All the doctors. They have a conscience. When your job is like theirs it’s amazing if you can save your conscience. Something is wrong the day you don’t flinch when you say you’re sorry, when you don’t stop to wonder if all you did was enough, when it doesn’t sadden your heart even a little bit at having lost a life. And yet when that is what you do every day it requires courage and character to be that.

And the question that always turns up when I see it is if I could be like that (that is assuming I could cram all the shit that they do in my tiny little brain and for some reason be fascinated with cutting up and putting together body parts! Ohh yes they are fascinated by it. I know right!! Baffles me too). Would I have come through with flying colours? I’d like to say yes but I know I don’t have the answer to that except that it is daunting.