If only

And I pulled the shawl a little tighter

As if that would stop the wind

And I pulled up my feet

As if that would keep me warmer

No the cold wasn't out there

I shivered, I cringed

I wanted to hide from the cold

There was nowhere to hide from myself

If only I could cuddle up and disappear

I shut my eyes hard

Yes, I couldn’t see the world

But what I did see was worse

Things I did, and things I didn’t

It shouldn’t have been

The broken images hurt my eyes

And it hit me yet again

There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

Where would I hide myself??

Hide myself from me.....

If only I could chase away the images

There would be comfort in the dark

The emptiness

Comfort in not being me

--Anonymous 

A hiatus from thinking

Well I realised that I over-think and over-analyse a bit too often. And that is simply unhealthy right? I mean really even the dying brain-cells in my teeny-meeny brain deserve a break. Hence, now I am on a break from thinking for sometime/long time/I’m not really sure how long. (I might just get used to not thinking you know.)

And to aid me in not thinking I shall stick to posting random, trivial things instead of my profound thoughts on life and philosophy. And if that means having to resort to writing the inconsequential details of my life or resorting to writing 25 (maybe 50-60 who knows) random things about myself (which I had sworn I would not do) or doing all kinds of tags that people do blogs or listing the 101 things I could do with a dictionary or making long lists of the kind, I WILL.

So for today I shall tell you about one of the most frustrating of my flaws. No matter how hard I try or I don’t, for some inexplicable reason I always end up having to run to finish tasks and meet deadlines. Yes, I know laziness explains some of it and extraordinary forgetfulness some of it but really I think I’ll give the heavens and stars and skies some credit for the conspiracy. Fortunately I normally do meet deadlines even if it’s just in the nick of time! :D Haha maybe I could tell you random stories of I screwed things out of nowhere and how it’s just a sad habit as old as time!

Bringing me to today.

I was supposed to print documents for MJ (I know I’m an oft-exploited angel and I’m not bluffing you coz that is exactly what MJ also said!!!) and print my lab and submit them to respective places by 5.

Diligently I woke up early this morning to finish the lab that I could have started exactly a month but didn’t for known or unknown reasons. I was making decent progress and almost done by lunch. I could have gone immediately and printed them. But lengthy yet rapid calculations showed that if I left at 3 I would have plenty of time to just make it.

I’m already bored of telling this story so I shall keep it short.

3:30 sitting in the bus recalculating my schedule while adding the time adjustments.
3:45 In a crowded CBLC room looking for a free comp
4:00 as I hit print for MJ’s docs realisation hits me that I’ve forgotten my lab!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4:01 “FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Retard, retard, retard!!! Screwed already!!! How do I manage to be sooo dumb??? Really like always??? JINX!! Conspiracy?!? FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!” *tap myself on the head a few times and try to get rid of the butterflies in my stomach*
4:03 Recalculate once again to include running all the way back to pgp, printing and then submitting!
4:17 Finish printing MJ’s docs, write her name a dozen times.
4:20 run to post-office, look like a maniac and get an envelope.
4:23 Run to University hall and submit documents. Stupid lady doesn’t know where I have to sign!!! Dumbass.
4:27 Distress call to Vids as I wait for a bus that doesn’t want to come.
4:33 “Fuck fuck fuck”
4:35 Bus appears. Curse everyone who is not sprinting to get on the bus or out of it. Actually curse everyone near the bus.
4:42 Reach PGP. Race to room.
4:47 Appear at canteen and learn no working printer.
4:49 Plead to the pro-uni people sitting there with my most innocent, desperate looks to let me take prints
4:52 ITS PRINTED.
4:53 “Thanks a lot really!!! Thanks a million.” *eternally grateful*
4:55 On a bus already. *I ran like hell and god bless the driver, he stopped for me!!*
5:03 Submit the god-forsaken lab and smirk at the time. *HAAA I made it!!! In your face!!! *
5:05 Msg Vids to tell her how much I love her and how she is a genius!! :D


Now even I’m not sure how that was short but ahhh well and ya I do realise that not thinking will be a painful process for everyone as I churn out drivel like this. But well I have to try. Who knows what I might come up with!! :D

Crapping Machine

Most of us are crapping machines. Some good some bad but all crapping machines!!!

Dear Divy, :P

Dear Divy,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I'm joining the Convent. I think I realized it when we skinny dipped in the bathtub at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on your "My Little Pony" collection. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep your glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and you should stop picking your nose.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Nirali.






I haven't done this before but its hilarious!!! And here’s how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning your (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
Name

1) What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue - I’m in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey - You’re a leprechaun
Yellow - I’m selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What’s the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other –The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8 ) What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

Windows

As we sat discussing a question about privacy in the tutorial (this class does have quite a few interesting people) today, one of my group-mates mentioned this quote by a Chinese politician the gist of which was this:

“You must open the window sometimes or you will suffocate”.

(I tried and tried to find the exact quote but no luck!)

We all leave the window to our lives open to some degrees as we let people we pass by take a glimpse into who you are. Often we stand by this window and chit chat about random things. And rarely, once in a while we open the door and let someone come inside. But try as we might we can’t keep the windows closed forever and we shouldn’t or we might just suffocate. Suffocate out of emptiness and loneliness caught up in the webs of our own fantasies, opinions and perceptions.

(DO NOT switch on the pervert I’m saying this in a perfectly simple metaphorical way.....)

And bringing it to the context in which it was mentioned we have all heard a lot about privacy and probably tried vehemently to protect ours too. But all too often when we are harping on and on about it aren’t we just trying to protect information that we are ashamed of??

(I know that is not the case very often and you can sue me for generalising for all I care! I know there are the times when security is at stake and the times when you just don’t want to or whatever and other reasons too. )

Yes, maybe you don’t regret it but you are ashamed of sharing it with everyone or someone. More often than not if you are not ashamed of it you’ve probably blown your horn about it as loud as you could. Or not depending on how worthy it was or how much of a braggart you are. :P

If for none of these reasons why bother about privacy? Just because we have a right are we obliged to go out of our way to protect it?

Maybe.

I know I am!!

All I want is a cup of hot coffee

I'm all soaked and shivering with cold as I sit here right now but happy and high! :)

Once again it started raining heavily at 5 in the morning as has been the trend for quite a few days. And as per norm to enlighten the rest of the world about the latest change in weather I updated my gtalk status to "its raining!!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeee..... :D". Its important to add the wheee to let them know just what I think of the rain!

But for once it wasn't enough to gaze out of my window at the rain and go yay!! All I wanted to do was go out and get wet.

And that is exactly what I did. I went out, walked across the foyer, stood on this bench that looked over at the basketball court and got wet. I almost wanted to run out of excitement. (And at one point I think I did run.) The wind blew my tee-shirt and every time the wet cloth clung to my skin it made me shiver. With each waft of wind that blew, my teeth chattered and my feet shook with cold. And yet I didn't want to go back. It felt almost liberating to stand in the rain and cold and look at the skyline and the hostel and the trees.

It felt great. And I guess I don't want to describe it in words. But now its ok to sit in my room and look at the rain, to hear the raindrops beating against the window as the occasional flash of lightning lights up the horizon and the crash of thunder breaks through the monotonous pattering of the rain. Its great to feel the warmth and coziness of my room and pull my jacket closer as I look at the rain and yearn for a cup of coffee!

The world would be a better place if.....

I know we've worried about making the world a better place at some point in our lives. And yes, occasionally I worry about it too. Well, I haven't figured out just what I should do for this but here are some things that would definitely make the world a better place!!

1. We had bigger bladders. I seriously think that God didn't want us to drink a lot of water or he definitely would have made some provisions for it. Clearly, we would have saved a lot of water if we had larger capacity bladders and not to mention time. What did I say about making the world a better place?? Now don't tell me that it's not possible technically considering our body structure. If He is truly God He should be able to figure it out on his own without my help!!

2. One meal a day. Really its the biggest waste of time and resources having to eat like 3 times a day. Why can't I just have 3 meals together?? Save water, dish-washing powder, time and plastic/paper (if I'm using either). But no, I must feel hungry atleast three times a day to say the least and bother about what and where I will eat!

3. Teddy bears could talk. I am convinced that those silent creatures have the solution to all the world problems. Really all you've got to do is look into those button-like eyes whose depth cannot be fathomed to see the knowledge, intelligence and experience they hold.

4. The turtles gave up their laziness and ruled properly. It is undeniable that the turtles reign over this kingdom. But those lazyasses must really discard the deadness(I know it is what makes them fabulous but one must pay a price!) a bit and look at what the world is coming to before its too late.

5. People stopped wondering and theorising about why Barack Obama is going gray. I mean really just how in the whole wide weird world does it really matter? It doesn't aid global warming, corruption or even increase poverty or corrupt the fertile young minds of children. Then please stop giving a damn about about his graying head and think about better things!

6. If the world was one country with one government and one awesome (awesome is very important or we'll be really fucked big time) President.
(I know that is one hell of a noble thought (gleeeeeeeeee (a bracket within a bracket is just soooo cool!!))and a radical one at that which I think lots of people have wondered about but I must state it too.)
Now the benefits of this one are just so many that I won't bother listing them but rather leave you to do a bit of thinking.

7.



PS: I am still trying to figure out just why turtles!
It doesn't have anything with them being lazy.
Maybe.

Nothing helps

For once nothing is helping...

Not the trees that I see from my window.
Not the slowly rising morning.
Not the softly blowing wind that makes the morning beautiful.
Not the chirping of the birds that wakes me up on most mornings.
Not the sea and the waves crashing against the shore. (I totally need another visit to WCP)
Not the sound of my keyboard.
Not the overtime that my brain seems to be doing.
Not even the hundreds of vague thoughts buzzing in my over-worked brain.
Not the mess in my room that I can't clear.
Not the view of the harbour that never sleeps.
Not the row of books lining my table.
Na... not even saying "Fuck" a few dozen times.
No beautiful quotes and songs that make me wonder at just how beautiful words can be.
Not the funny feeling in my stomach.
Not the cup of coffee I just had.
Not the cute little child playing in the morning without a care in the world. (Maybe she does have concerns that I can't see.)
Not the clear blue sky that seems to extend infinitely as if there never were dark clouds.
Not the hundreds of horrendous things happening around the world that seem so far away.
Nothing.
No words of advice, no words of solace, no words in which I can find comfort.
Not the things I want to say but I can't.
Not the teddy bear that knows everything.
Ya certainly not staring at the laptop screen though the desktop does look nice.

Nothing helps.

I am

Having been stuck with exams in the past week I didn't have time to post.

(Or maybe I did have time but I was trying to ease my conscience by telling myself that I was too busy studying.)

And yet I visited my blog everyday and overcame the temptation to write because I knew that I couldn't spend time on other random things. But then I had lots to say. And now here I am, no more mid-terms for atleast 4 days and what do I have to show for it?? Random babbling about how I have nothing to write about!! Ughhh...

No I shall not let this happen. And to avoid writing drivel about how I have nothing to write about and wasting words (I have nothing against wasting words though...) I decided to put up some thing that someone wiser than me has said.

"You imagine that what you can't understand is either spiritual or does not exist. The conclusion is quite wrong; rather there are obviously a million things in the universe that we would need a million quite different organs to understand ... someone blind from birth cannot imagine the beauty of a landscape, the colors of a painting or the shadings of an iris. He will imagine them as something palpable, edible, audible or olfactory. Likewise, if I were to explain to you what I perceive by the senses you do not have, you would interpret it as something that could be heard, seen, touched, smelled or tasted; but it is not like that."
--Cyrano de Bergerac

Well I would still like to believe that what I can't understand does not exist in my world but that is not true and I can't deny things. But it is so fascinating to think that the world and its beauties can be perceived in ways that my body can't think of. I am connected to the world only by my 6 senses. If you remove them then you are removing the world from my conscious. I become an empty floating entity in this universe. And yet to know that there are probably a million ways(I really don't think that there could be as many as a million ways but ah well its a nice number!) in which I could probably perceived makes me feel kinda ill-equipped suddenly. But then it justifies the hundreds of contraptions that we have today to measure things that we fail to. I mean wouldn't we be almost robotic if we could measure atmospheric pressure, see all frequencies of radiation and you know the other cool stuff that my brain can't think of. Maybe its just as well that we have just 6 senses with which we to know and understand the world as best as we can. We are doing a pretty good job.

I can't even imagine what my existence would be like if I din't have my senses. What would I think in terms of? My thoughts and ideas are made up of images, words, sounds and even smells and feelings sometimes. What the hell would be left in that brain of mine if you removed these??? A vacuum. An emptiness that I can't even begin to fathom but that scares me even with its mere idea!

The day I make peace with myself, I'll make my peace with the world....

or maybe not......

You think with your brain and feel with your stomach

You think with your brain and feel with your stomach!!!

Really I'm beginning to think that because of its presence in the world of romance and literature, the heart is truly over-rated even though most of the feeling-work is done by the stomach. Now come to think of it just how often have you actually felt your heart feel?!?!

On the other hand the stomach actually feels various emotions. And rather than talk in ambiguous statements that I'm sure you will doubt I am going to give you examples to prove my point!! Normally I describe it as a funny feeling in my stomach. And I have that funny feeling quite often. (Well there's hardly anything funny about it but you know its one of those things.... )

Now when you are nervous there is this fluttery feeling in your stomach normally referred to as butterflies. When you are happy, ever noticed that nice, warm and fuzzy feeling down there?? And those bad days when nothing seems right you wake up with a funny feeling in your stomach(sadness, depression, etc whatever you would like to call it). Intuition-gut feeling??? And that queasy feeling that could be hatred, or dislike! Well I'm not sure if hunger is a feeling but the stomach does grumble to indicate that! :D And there is that sinking feeling in your stomach when you fear something. And there are many other things your stomach feels but I made my point din't I??

(I think the stomach can love passionately too but it's hard to prove that one so I won't push it.)

On the other hand the heart only flutters once in a while(beat is not equal to flutter)!! Sometimes I think its only a side reaction of what your stomach feels. Like your legs turning into jelly when you are nervous even though your legs have no bloody clue why you are nervous! So then why exactly is the heart so highly overrated??? I think its because it sounds nice. Now can you imagine saying "Always listen to your stomach and it will lead you!"? "That broke my stomach into a million pieces!!" "Pet ko bas tumhaara intezaar tha." "Pet to pagal hai." "Hum pet de chuke sanam!!" "Mere pet ka vasta hai, ruk jaooo..." You get the point?? Its hard to use stomach instead of heart without sounding famished or like a glutton (well bhukkhad sounds more apt despite spending time to recall glutton and bothering people...) considering just how much we have stereotyped the stomach!!

All in all I think we should continue to use heart the way it is but not forget that stomach does a lot of the feeling work! Did I say I'm beginning to think?? Well, I am sure that we feel with our stomach. (Mostly!)

Living for today

Yes, I know we've all heard that "we should live like there's no tomorrow". Agreed. But can you stop doing things for tomorrow?? Spending today so that you wake up to a better tomorrow. Not doing that would be insane. (Ya i know people who say that you should live in the moment don't mean that you should forget that tomorrow continues to exist even though it should not be the focus of your life.) So what exactly do they mean?? That you should enjoy every moment you live(atleast while you're awake)?

Is it even possible to enjoy every moment? You see life is not made of all the moments that you breathe through but rather every moment that makes you go "Life is beautiful" or "I'm glad to be alive". The moments when you can close your eyes and truly know that everything's right in the world, atleast your world. And these moments are rare and precious. These moments are the sum of all the moments before them. And hence the purpose is not to make every moment precious but rather to make sure that every moment counts in adding up to the precious ones. If you manage to do that you have truly lived your life. Moments lost will blemish the truly blissful ones to come.




I remember a few years ago I asked myself the question that almost everyone asks himself at some point. I asked myself who I was and what the hell I was doing on this planet. I asked myself what is the purpose of everything when one day when I stop breathing it will all end. And then I answered that I should do something to leave my footprints behind so that my presence on this planet is marked even after I make the grand departure (I swear I must have heard all these things somewhere and well they do sound cool). A hopeless way of trying to find pseudo-immortality.

(WE humans seriously never give up!!!)

But what is the point of spending my life just so that tomorrow after I'm gone some random people can talk about how awesome I was and how I did whatever I did. Yes, I know my loved ones will talk with a touch of pride when they think about me. And I'd like to give them that. But won't they talk about me with the same touch of pride for being who I was, for loving them and living even if I don't leave my mark on the world?? And well being remembered by random people won't even be useful in nursing my bloated ego after I die. (Ofcourse the ego dies with me. Hell, I won't even know just how much of a print I left!) Then frankly why bother?? Why don't we all just live our lives, be happy and accept that it ends someday?

In the end, live for the today that is your and forget the tomorrow when there will be none.


(I really don't know where all that came from. I really must stop thinking so much!!!! But dammit its not possible to shut off your brain. I doubt I can live with a switched off brain!! See, how much I thought about not thinking!!?!?!? LE sigh.... )