Love everyone??

And every other wise person and religion and smart quote asks you to love everyone unconditionally. Hate is a waste of a life that is too short so spread the love around.

But hard as I might try (I don't try that hard also) I can't convince myself that I should love everyone. Love is special and unique. It is not something dished out in charity to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Dish out sympathy and pity if you want but don't degrade love. What is that love even worth if you have to do nothing to deserve it?

Is there nothing that differentiates the flee-ridden-mooch who is a parasite to the society and that person who actually means something to the world and to you? There is. There is a big difference and that is how you react to that person!! Love is not a gift by virtue of fate or coincidence but something that you earn by being who you are. It is that highest accolade you could give to anyone for being who they are to you and the world.

While I don't promote hate as a way of life that eats away at your very core I know it is inevitable. Some people ask for it and the best you can do is delete these people from life. (If you can kill them and not get caught good for you. This doesn't mean I am promoting people killing each other out of hatred. More along the lines of erasing them from your life. Just thought should clarify!) They are not worth even a glance let alone a feeling that occupies your mind leaving little space for better things of life.

There are lots of mushy and cliched things that people have said about love numerous times so I'm not gonna spring them on you here except the fact that not everyone has to be loved! Atleast by you.


PS: Finally finishing the tons of incomplete posts. Hopefully the trend shall continue! :D

I love India

Before I knew what India is and what to love means I was taught to say and believe that I love my country. And before I knew it I was happy when we won a match, on the defensive for India and disappointed everytime we lost. I never questioned how the hopes of a million strong could rest on 11 guys?? (Yes, cricket illustrates my point like nothing else) It did not matter why I went out of my way to defend and fight for things I knew I couldn't deny. I was proud of things that people did thousands of years ago only because I happen to live within the same geographical boundaries after centuries. Feelings of patriotism and love for my nation came naturally and I can't even point at the things that bore these ideas into my psyche.

Then one day I asked myself? What has my country ever done for me to be proud of it or for me to love it?? Does it have to do anything? A 5 years younger Nirali had answered in all solemnity that it didn't have to do anything, I had to. But now a wiser me wants to question the concept of a nation. Wouldn't I have been as proud to be a German, French or an Iraqi for that matter. Something would always be amiss no matter what country I belonged to but I would love it for the culture, the values and the mere fact that it was home where I belonged if nothing else.

From a societal point of view the concept of a nation is important. As humans we tend to live in groups as communities, and nations are exactly these. With similar values and beliefs it is but natural to feel a sense of belonging to a certain group of individuals. And considering that there are many individuals world-wide with a strong sense of nationalism if your society or country happened to lack it all of you would be at risk. So I should probably be thankful for the few who bring this love to fruition and make life safer.

On the other hand the sense of belonging to a nation invokes a collectivist attitude in all of us. With the world becoming smaller with the spurt in technology and the spread of globalisation the national boundaries and values are becoming blurred. And while this might suggest that patriotism is dying it definitely isn't. It is there and ever present. The only difference is that now you probably sit in Singapore and cheer for India and feel depressed over its lousy performance.

I am not sure if I love my country in the true sense of the word. Would I still be an Indian if given a choice before I came to this planet? If I did choose to be an Indian would it be because I have always been and don't know otherwise? India is home and always has been. The quirks, the weirdness, the faults and all is one package. It forms a part of who I am no matter where I go and how I change. I might not always identify with Indians and agree or like many things about this land but I will still continue to be an Indian.

And yet does that mean I would do anything for it? No. I always knew the answer was no, but I used to think it was because I am a coward. But you know it only means that other things like my family are way more important to me and nothing can change that. I know it is not so for many people and I probably admire them but I wouldn't change the way I feel.

So, yes I love my country too but probably just in a different way.

Random observation

I HATE buses. Like hate them so much that the very notion of getting onto one gives me creeps and nightmares of the worst kind imaginable like the doomsday is approaching and I try to fight and run till my legs ache because of carrying me at unnatural speeds for an unholy amount of time but then like a deer that has run its course I am cornered by the evil hunters who flash flashlights into your eyes which is when I resign to fate. Anywho so you get point.

And lately I've had to spend an atrocious amount of my precious little time on buses and like most other passengers(when you spend so much time on freaking bus and your brains are rattled I think that's what everyone should be doing though I can't be sure) I observe every detail about every random person I can. I mentally appreciate and criticise the shoes and the bags and the clothes and the phones. I judge them by every little thing they do and imagine what the lives of these random people must be like. I wonder if we'll ever cross paths again and if we did will we know that we crossed once earlier. I wonder how if something out of the ordinary were to happen, some accident, some mishap how it would bind a few random strangers who had been brought on to the same bus(or train for that matter but I'll just mention buses for now) by chance.

But what amuses and baffles me more than all these things is the way these passengers of chance react to each other. Even though I don't know a single one of them and it hardly is a matter of importance I make sure that I find an empty seat with noone near even if that means walking to the end of the bus. I don't even understand why. And you know what. That is exactly what most of the other people do (except for the old ones coz they can barely stand and so can't afford to be picky). Everytime we're put in places with random people I don't know why we tend to pull away. For instance lifts!! You can't but look at the person with you in a 4x4 area yet the shifty eyes because not really proper etiquette to stare at someone though you could steal looks every now and then since we know it can't be helped.

I'm not sure if its me or an Asian thing to do or what. But I fail to understand the reason for the behaviour. I'd rather be a jackass in front of someone who doesn't know me at all and who I might never see again then someone I know right?? Or not perhaps. I don't know.

I really don't always need a title to classify what I'm talking about or I'll end up with endless posts titled "rambles" so I'll just go with Coliary.

Yes, the weather is super awesome and a somewhat cranky, confused mood is transformed.

(I still think I suck sometimes but hehe it's ok to suck. Now see that is what awesome weather does to you.)

It's amazing how transformable my mood actually is. I don't even understand how or why sometimes! I mean it really does take a lot of effort to analyse just what my brain thought so quickly that I am yet to understand and then often/sometimes I don't even bother and hope to let rain make my day. :) Who needs to mull over dumbass things when there are better things to be done???

It feels great to sit in my room looking outta the window and singing aloud random songs. :) I love the singing aloud bit but ofcourse I continue to be tone deaf. Is being tone-deaf a deficiency or disorder that can actually be corrected?? I certainly hope. Or not. Hardly matters except probably torturesome to the people who have to sometimes listen to me but then I have never been particularly environment friendly and besides its not me who stopped you from buying earplugs if its that painful and then again I'm kinda nice even if not all the time so I'll refrain from singing aloud in public. Wheewwwwww... That was one long sentence. And yes these days ridiculously long sentences that kinda make you lose your way and leave your eyes glazed while your mind wobbles along the words hoping that its the last one as Ohhh-please-have-mercy-and-just-stop-already pleas hardly seem to work, it might end are absolutely fascinating to me and ofcourse along with it comes the utter disregard for punctuation (unless critical) coz really do you think that after churning out such a garble of words before I use a fullstop I could be bothered to use a comma? :D :D

And now I have to run for a class just when I was getting into the mode but yah well.... I'll be back. Like DUH!!

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Twilight Review

Here is sincerely hoping that you have forgotten that a tiny part of me was genuinely amused by twilight and that the tiny part did go so far as to like it as well. And now the other part would like to show you the most kick-ass twilight review. Ever.

Who am I???

There is one question that I’ve asked myself repeatedly over the past few days. And I have no answer to offer yet and none in sight.

As I attended this camp over the weekend about which I have varied opinions that I shall get into later, let me just say that it wasn’t that bad for now, they posed 3 questions, the answers to which we were supposed to scribble on a piece of paper. I just sat there and kept staring at the screen.

Who are you?

Who do you pretend to be?

What are you grateful for?

I was stumped. At the end my paper read just one line: “I don’t know who I am and frankly I think I pretend to be what I think I am.”

What defines who I am?? Is it my likes and dislikes or the combination of cells and tissues that sets me apart from a million or what I believe in? Maybe its the combination of genes and the 9-letter word at the end of my name or the set of beliefs, principles, ideals that I hold or the lack thereof. Is it what I’ve done or what I might do or my fears and strengths or the fact that I love licking the cream off oreos before eating them and that my fingers are crooked (I know plain weird I tell you. I’ve tried straightening by sticking a rod to it for hours at a stretch till I could hear the cells scream in unknown languages and hammered it with a hammer (DUH!!) till I think I broke a bone or two and ended up making them look more crooked. Freakingfruck! Or maybe I didn’t do that but it doesn’t mean I don’t want them straighter any less!!!) .

So really who the hell am I?

If you are thinking that silly girl it is a combination of everything you mentioned and that thing that you forgot to mention ohhh and that other thing also then I’d like to tell you no. I was not afraid of rats once but now they scare the shit out of me. There are so many little things about one that keep changing. So does that mean I keep changing?? Is there nothing about me that would always be me no matter what! Something that would tell me who I am on the days when I am lost and confused, unsure of everything.

Pretensions are also me. A choice I make. What I would like to be! And hence, what I pretend to be is a part of who I am. Is it weird that sometimes I wonder if I actually like what I like and if I actually am scared of what I think I am? They could just be notions that I might have developed over time. (I know it sounds super lame but yaaaa...)

At some point in our lives we all stop and ask ourselves these questions. Who am I? Where am I going and where do I want to go? I'm not sure if all of us manage to figure that out but some like me are left stumped blogging about it. If you got lost along the way I think I did too. I started by saying something and went on somewhere.

So really who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.

xoxo ;)

Update: If you have any insights at all to offer they are more than welcome. Or if you know who you are then I would like to know!

And then I said....

And sometimes what you think is right isn't. You stand at the crossroads of life and wonder where you want to go. Was the last turn I took the correct one? If you can go to a few places together?? Because you see you can't but do everything. And then at the end of the day when you sit on your bed with your eyes closed you wonder why the roads can't merge?? Why can't there be a sign that will direct me??

Or probably you call yourself a dumass a few times for not being able to figure out. And then you wish for time to pause for a second while you figure yourself out. But the question is will you ever be able to do that??

Yes, i know I suck. And I'm not excusing myself just stating a fact. And it has nothing to do with today. Maybe a little. Like you know the last straw before the realisation strikes home.

This is not how I usually write. Yes, I'm never this open right??? But fuck it. It's my blog and I can write anything I want!! SO here goes......

Life's a bitch. For once I want to see things get right coz I'm losing hope now. Could I atleast know that there is a chance?? So that I know that I just have to wait a bit.

I'm biased.

I have preconcieved notions that sometimes I don't even want to get rid of.

I wonder if I know myself.

I don't know if I will publish this post.

I fail to understand why I shoudn't.

I am just saying some things coz I don't want to say some others. Yes, I'm vague like that.

(How different do I sound from the day before!!)

And now I'm struggling to find some words. Some meaning in a jumble of words and letters. There is none.

Rant. Gnomes and wiggles.

And yes, finally I’m back in Singapore. And coming back has been one eventful journey. I didn’t even know that so many things could actually go wrong at the start time. It probably all started that fateful night we couldn’t find my passport. Goshhhhh, the frenzy!! I was already looking at procedures to get a new one. Anywho we found it at like 3 in the night and I left in the morning. Then my sis manages to lose my phone charger. Laptop charger spoilt, net in room not working. Mom and all lose their head over me not calling. Then yesterday I break my sandal! Can’t find my transponder which was then recovered wedged between mattress and bed.

Ok all this was true as of a few days back..... Then I forgot to continue and well now things are hopefully getting back on track, which means I haven’t lost anything since Saturday. And that is a record right there especially after the nightmare that the past 2 weeks had been. I was on a roll baby!! Did I mention I also managed to find my passport that I didn’t know I had lost!! But yes hopefully I’m past it all. *crosses fingers and shuts eyes tightly and mutters loudly*

Yes, I know I’m kinda hopeless and all. I continue to surprise myself. And not pleasantly let me mention!

I want to become a train but I don’t want passengers. They just dirty the trains and I want to be a train in India. It’ll be sooooo amazing I don’t think I’d ever want to stop. Oh but I really must be a train that is electronic and environment friendly and can whistle!!!! :D

I’m on the path to awesomeness. The last few weeks haven’t been bad but they could have been better! Ohh yes they will be. I mean not they but the coming ones.

Can I live without doing my laundry like ever?? Someday I want to be so rich that I instead of washing clothes I can just buy new ones and throw the ones I’ve worn away. J ok if I’m that rich I can have a laundry service that washes my clothes after collecting them from all over the place without my ever coming to know! You know like a secret genie. Only that it will be a genie in white coz I really don’t like blue genies.

Umm well a baby blue can. Only the dark one is an absolute no!

Ahhh well frankly I’m ok with a light pink genie also.

Pretty cool huh????

Ohhh yes there are pink genies. And well since I don't really like pink so much imagine she is in white. A white ephemereal image!

I think my stomach would seriously try and kick my ass except that it is out of reach!! We have a miscommunication problem that’s it. Ok a little bit more. Maybe I abuse it by over-feeding or under-feeding as per my whim.

Jus maybeeeeee you know.

I’m sleepy already. I sometimes think I have gnomes in my brain. They can be freaking rebellious and yet work as well. They’re a bit wonky and hobbly-gobbly but ah well they have no escape and neither do I!

Gosshhhhh and it must really be scary to be trapped in someone’s brain like that right?? Ok the thought is only giving me chills. Imagine what you would have to do when you need to pee!! Actually the brain has so many crevices and shit shouldn’t be a bother probably.

Ok I’m saying anything now so I should really go and watch Gossip Girl before I discuss gnomes and brains in excruciating detail.

Ohh and before I go off I must tell you that I am really scared of Indian railway stations and men in formals who look normal. (oooohhh rhyme!) I am never ever going to a railway station alone. *shivers and shudders*

Tess of the D'urbervilles

And as a part of my intense holiday program I was on a reading spree. And one of the bestest books I’ve read this summer was Tess of the D’urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. And I sincerely recommend it as a must read except that it’s a bit of a tough one so you might have to struggle initially (I had to). It’s a brilliantly written piece of work that makes you fall in love with the heroine, feel injustice at her misfortune and depression at her misery. When she bears it all silently you want to fight for her, for what is she but a pawn at the hands of cruel fate!

(There are many many wonderful lines that, if patience permits, I shall put up.)

End here I must add a spoiler alert in case you intend to read it. J

Her innocence and childishness are Tess’ greatest attributes and yet her greatest weaknesses. Like the author says she is a child trapped in a woman’s body. Her love is pure and of the kind which I doubt exists beyond the pages of a book. Is it possible to love someone so much that his existence defines your own? So much that values, principles and life only hold meaning if you see them in his eyes? So freaking much that your only regret ever is being away from no matter what he does? I could probably say a lot more about it but it would never be enough.

When I was reading the book one thing nagged at me the most. I couldn’t believe it that Tess should keep loving Angel in that selfless, devoted and revering manner. Never was there a moment of doubt. Many a doubts about herself and her worth but not one about him. Her love was complete even during the darkest moments, probably all the more then as she suffered miseries that had never been so undeserved. I thought she was foolish and silly when she was willing to forgive him after he was such a jackass. The worst part!??!?? Her only regret when he finally came back was that she didn’t wait just a little more!!! And I wanted to scream at him and throw things for not having enough faith in her. He would never deserve her. And that is when it hit me. Just when things could probably get right again she could ruin it if she didn’t accept him! She had to react the way she did because life would never be worth living without him right?!? She was practically living in hell every moment away from him. Then why stick to his follies and find a way back to hell when you could get out???

Life can be a bitch sometimes and frankly it doesn’t matter who you are. You have to keep struggling through it and hope that better things await you. Some things are always going to be beyond your control, you just have to try your best at what is within your control and hope it will be enough.

And now for a few excerpts from the book....

“In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say ‘SEE? ‘ to her poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply ‘Here!’ to a body’s cry of ‘Where?’ till the hide-and-seek has become an outworn and irksome game. We may wonder whether at the acme and summit of the human progress these anachronisms will be corrected by a finer intuition, a closer interaction of the social machinery than that which now jolts us around and along; but such completeness is not to be prophesied or even conceived as possible. Enough that in the present case, as in millions, it was not the two halves of a prefect whole that confronted each other at the perfect moment; a missing counterpart wandered independently about the earth waiting in crass obtuseness till the late time came. Out of which maladroit delay sprang disappointments, anxieties........”

“‘By experience,’ says Roger Ascham, ‘we find out a short way by a long wandering.’ Not seldom that long wandering unfits us for further travel, and of what use is our experience to us then? Tess Durbeyfield’s experience was of this incapacitating kind. At last she had learnt what to do but who accept her doing now?”

“Thou hast counselled a better course than thou hast permitted. “

“This hobble of being alive is rather serious, don’t you think so?”

“Life is a mishap...”

I have lots more that I loved but have lost them right and don’t have the book. Le sigh... I am so buying it!! So more to come some day. J

The Notebook

And finally I figured out something.

I totally love the movie ‘The Notebook’. It appeals to the 13yr old in me which I would totally like to deny but I know is pointless. The absolutely adorable Rachel McAdams with that naughty smile, lovely dimples and the most exuberant personality and the arrogant Ryan Gosling with his cocky and yet oh-so-cute character make me go awwwwwww!

(I know that is like supremely cheesy but in my defence the movie is also the epitome of cheesiness and yet so cute!!! It has all the classic elements you know.... Rich, pretty girl falls in love with the hunky, poor guy and then there is the evil family but they make it!! And yet it’s made in this beautiful way. Maybe it’s the actors because of whom I love the movie. But ya... :D )

But then everytime they show the older Allie and Noah I wished I could just delete it and have just the younger awesome versions on screen you know. It was so much nicer that way. That killing smile and that adoring look.....

*is looking away starry-eyed into the distance with the hint of a smile on the face*

But finally I figured out today why they had to have the older versions in the movie. I knew that atleast in this case they stick it out with each other. Love doesn’t evaporate as the burdens of real life fall upon the shoulders. It is not just another compromise that you make as life goes on. That even if Allie became old and fat and wrinkled she was still Noah’s Allie and would always be! The ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t come when the two young lovers unite and make vows that only death will part them. It comes when those two lovers grow old together and the love just grows stronger. When even she has stopped knowing herself he will continue knowing and understanding her. When she fails to recognise herself in the mirror he will never forget her. When the music of her lost fingers finds its way to his heart.

So everytime the older Noah and Allie appear on the screen it is to remind us that this once they mean what they say and will continue to. This once it probably is truly love.

Few more letters since obviously I love them

Dear Indian television,

                See I don’t wanna curse you and all right now even though you are supremely retarded and probably one of the dumbest things on this planet made for people with brains the size of an ant’s kidney-stone because I need you now. As simple as that. So can you please show something a wee bit sensible or entertaining atleast? I have way too much time and nothing to do and a good dose of TV is what Nirali needs. I haven’t had TV for what like 10 months and I can’t be sick of it already. L I like the pretty dresses and ahh well you might as well make it a fashion show with awesome sets and decent music (yes I’m sorry to break your brittle heart but you do need different, good music that is a lot less melodramatic and probably a bit nicer you know.... you could try something with) with no one talking since hardly anyone says anything worth listening to.

                Please look into the aforementioned issue and I will be highly grateful. If you want I’m more than willing to help. While I’m at it maybe I could look into the judges for some of the shows who are supremely dull and imbecile. Or the anchors who could win an award for the longest string of dumb things ever said by anyone on TV. Ohh and yes I think I’ll have to help you with the guys you have on the show who could be more charming and maybe win over the girl without 5 minutes of background music and a lovey-dovey song and boring-the-shit-out-of-the-audience look on his face.

                Coming to think of it you don’t need to do anything just let me help and I’ll try to make something of it.

Yours truly

Genuinely bored and truly concerned viewer.

 

Dear Shahrukh,

                You’ve been my favourite for a long time. It was a childish fascination I must say but you were always entertaining to say the least though I never fell in love with you. But you have been disappointing me consistently. So much so that I don’t even remember the last decent movie that you made that I really really liked. Well, I can’t make excuses for you anymore (I know you didn’t ask me to ever but I couldn’t help it). It’s just not worth it. So really if you want to be worthy of your stardom you should start doing some quality work. There are so many others out there more deserving of the fame.

Yours truly,

A lost fan

PS: Just to make it clear you’re not a favourite anymore. All the best.

 

Dear Rajkot and its people,

                You’ve been a very dear place and home to me but let me tell you something. You’ve just made a very big mistake by electing the wrong person. Normally you don’t give a crap which way this country goes but for once you had a chance to do something right. Yes, I might be biased but I know for a fact that the guy you didn’t elect was good. And frankly now you’ll probably get what you deserve for making dumb choices. You’re just blinded and can’t see a man for what he is.

Yours truly

 Regretful for not being here to vote!

Diary excerpt

While cleaning the closet of my sister which was messy enough to suffocate a rat who has lived in dumpsters outside the city, we discovered my first diary of sorts. Many of you may not know that my school was weird to say the least (ofcourse it continues to be one of the best and I have declared my undying love for it rest assured) and once it decided that it would be great for students to write their “introspections” daily. So 10 year olds like me were given this pretty cool diary and 40 long minutes every day to do so. And to help us ignorant fools “introspect” on the days in our 10-yr old lives they gave us a format too which was pretty simple and as such:

·         Good things I did

·         Bad things I did

·         Things I did to be excellent

·         Things I’ll do to be excellent

Now here are a few excerpts from this book, mistakes and all, exactly as it was written (without the brackets ofcourse!! :D)

24/6/98

Wednesday (written diligently in the margins are the dates)

Good things I did

I studied very nicely and confidently yesterday evening. (Sweets just how do you study “confidently”??) I helped my sister yesterday in her studies. I helped my friend to sit comfortably in the rickshaw as she had hurt her knee. I listened to my teacher seriously in the class. I helped some of my classmates in Maths. In the recess I shared my Nasta with my friends.

Bad things I did

I teased my sister and did mischief (just so you know, you manage to do that even today). I made my mother angry.

Things I did to be excellent

I did not do anything to be excellent.

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll read books to be excellent at reading. (wow, I didn’t really remember you were such a geek already!! But then I can’t really think of how else you could be excellent you know...  :P )

26/6/98

Friday

Good things I did

I consoled a small girl as she was crying. I went and brought some clothes from the shop which were there for ironing. I helped my mother in the house.

Bad things I did

I splashed dirty water on my friends. I cried just because I was late for my friend’s party. I got angry on my parents. I hit my elder brother. (now coming to think of it maybe I did throw some tantrums afterall!!)

(Ohh and did you learn that it’s supposed to be “angry with” in 5^th grade???)

Things I did to be excellent

I read books to be excellent at reading. (Already a bookoholic!?!?? I’m proud of you. *geeky smile*)

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll read to be excellent.

29/6/08

Monday

Good things I did

I taught my sister cycling. I helped my sister in doing her H.W.

Bad things I did

I quarrelled with my sister. I teased my friend. I did not study for the test. I did not do my H.W. on time.

Things I did to be excellent

I’ve changed my mind now because I want to be excellent at cycling and not reading.

(LOL! But in my defence that is pretty much what my life revolved around. Now I can’t be excellent at bugging my mom, teasing my sis, playing all kinds of ‘pretend’ games (since I was already excellent at masterminding those.... you know becoming the teacher, doctor, shopkeeper, husband/wife, postman, kid lost in a fire, poor blind girl, the pet dog of a naughty boy who keeps loves trying to catch his own tail, students who consistently fail to do their work etc etc), sleeping, not doing my H.W. or hide and seek and a few other random games I played with friends. )

Things I’ll do to be excellent

I’ll cycle to be excellent at it.

Due Mail

I have owed these letters to people/things for a long long time so here it is:

Dear summer in Rajkot,

                I am absolutely sick and tired of sitting in the house for half the day because the stupid heat is too strong for me to go out without getting sick and sunburnt! It is superbly frustrating to be back home after so long and not to be able to roam around so if you don’t mind try and get lost soon and send some rain. I would truly appreciate it.

Yours truly,

Sick and tired.

 

Dear google,

                You are the bestest thing around and I absolutely adore you. You are greatness personified, the epitome of awesomeness if you please. (I know maybe thoda zyada ho gaya but you get how great you are right??) Obviously your ideas and technology have the marks of a genius but it’s the little things that make me such a great fan. All the teeny-meeny, seemingly unimportant things you can do with gmail are just fabulous. It’s so freaking cool I smile every time I discover something new! (I know that probably sounds geeky but heck care!!) Please keep up whatever you’re doing. I love you. *smiles*

Your fabulous fan.

 

Dear rains in Singapore,

                Maybe I have never told you just how awesome you are and how often you make my day. (I have already forgiven you for that time when you rained so hard that you made my horrible day way worse and made packing and moving a nightmare!!) As I sit here in sweltering heat (ok I’m at home and it’s pretty cool but you know what it’s like outside right??) I want you to know that I miss you a lot and that you’re the best thing about Singapore. Those nights when I sat by the window and saw you splattering in the distance, when I stood on the 8^th floor drenched and smiling, when I was running in the foyer at 5 in the morn and when I was singing at the top of my voice were some of the best ever. You are the perfect solution to a cranky-the-world-sucks-and-nothing-good-can-ever-come-of-it mood. Please keep coming coz I will miss you a hell lot otherwise.

Yours truly,

Ms I-totally-love-rain.

PS: Since there is a lot of rain in Singapore maybe you could come to Rajkot for some time you know..... while I’m here.

 

I rant.....

(Well, as you can see the break from thinking is officially over and so it’s gonna be a little heavy around here as I write about the numerous things that creep into mind and haven’t been written as I’ve been busier than a....... the busiest person!!! )

There are tons of things which set us apart from animals. We all started off at the same place and yet here we are thousands of years later almost able to destroy the planet. Yes, all our actions have not been the smartest but yet we have evolved to an extraordinary extent. Obviously we have a way higher IQ and yes I might sound conceited when I say this but we are definitely a higher species and there are no doubts about that.

As I was watching Ice Age today (which is btw one of the most amazing movies and super darnedest cute!) I realised another very striking difference that I hadn’t noticed till then probably. The only goals of the life of any animal are eating and reproducing. Every body part, habit, characteristic and feature is a function of these goals. Everything they do is towards getting food and ensuring that the species is carried forward. It is probably a very dull life and I doubt they ever realise that it is all they ever do but I’m sure they don’t understand the concept of boredom or entertainment for that matter. (and here I’m not talking about any pet animals who we have tried to humanise though I think they are also pretty content with sitting around and gazing....)

This is what sets us apart. Everything about us is not a function of just one goal. And whenever that is the case success is guaranteed ain’t it? We as humans hardly use a small percentage of what we are to achieve anything. And coming to think of it an effort is probably made to ensure that we don’t; in the form of entertainment. We are probably stopped from thinking and seeing things like we would in other circumstances. I know as a matter of fact that I don’t use all I have and could though maybe I’d be better off if I did but ahhh well.......   

PS: I had seen the movie long back and this incomplete post was pending. Coming to think of it, it doesn't really matter when I saw the movie but ahh well.... :D

NRI??!!?

And finally I am back. And yes, I have lots to write. I missed my blog. But instead of dumping all my posts I'll go one a day. :)

As I sat there with the form in my hand I wondered if I was an NRI technically. For some reason I’d never thought of myself in those terms. And yet I asked myself if somehow over the years I had actually become an NRI (I had to think a lot also since I have this fear that if I do not write the absolutely correct answer on these silly forms the airport authorities would haunt me forever and probably dump me in some godforsaken place). When I came back to Singapore for Uni as I looked at the trees-lined roads fly by from the cab and talked to the taxi-wala I suddenly recognised that feeling of coming back.

But yet the feeling of being at home is entirely missing over there. Yes, I have a different life over there and close friends like family yet coming to India is coming to home. That endless stretch of yellow land and those unknown yet open faces that flew by my train was home. That hustle-bustle and medley of bodies was home. That familiar tongue that I couldn’t understand was homely. The taste of unhygienic and yet awesomely yummy road-wali pani puri is home. That sweltering heat which made me conscious of every passing moment was still home!!

Who will I finally identify with, in a few years? Will I always be an Indian at heart and yet a Singaporean for most of the year? Will it really matter in the end where I live coz being an Indian is at the core of my identity? Built in me for the 17 years that I lived here. Will I also grow up to have a confused  identity like the millions before me who are swinging between the two nations and trying to fit in everywhere. Holding on to values and cultures that form a part of you.

Maybe in the end it doesn’t matter what I identify with. All of this adds up to me. I will always be an Indian no matter where I live and everywhere else that I go will just embed itself in my personality. 

Me and my religion

And I prayed fervently. Hoping against hope that some all-powerful, mysterious being in the folds of the universe would be jobless enough to listen to my insignificant cries for help and actually do something about it. And I start saying it out loud to drown out that voice of reason in me which prevented me from believing what I was saying. Maybe saying it faster would help. Maybe I could drown out all the voices around me that stop me from believing that anything could come from those cries for help!

But I know it’s hopelessly futile. There is no omnipotent, omnipresent all-mighty lord whose only job is to listen to us mortals and our insignificant worries and then actually bother to do something about it! All those meaningless rituals are truly in all probability meaningless!!! Lighting a diya, dipping bread in wine, kneeling, bowing and what not is entirely pointless. If there was truly a God somewhere I doubt he was petty enough to care whether u turned to the left and bowed or if you showered and talked to him. If he really did think all those silly little things are important than maybe I don’t want to bow down to Him/Her.  (Did I anger the Gods now???) If not believing in Him means I’m doomed to the blazing fires in the depths of hell than I doubt if I should. Shouldn’t he get it that after all we’re human ad we have our doubts and limitations? Why should I pray to someone who is cocky enough to send you to hell if you so much as doubt his existence? What happened to magnanimity and forgiving?

(Please ignore the tone... I’m not pissed or anything but just like writing this way!! :D)

“When you see all that is going on around you, you need to know it is a part of a greater plan to keep sanity.” That is the gist of what a nurse in Scrubs said. And that is what God and religion is all about. When you don’t have any hope, when you are looking for ever-elusive answers, when the world stops making sense and you wonder how things could continue going wrong like this you need to know that there is a higher being up there who is better off than you are. That there is someone who can help you, someone who has the answers and who knows that everything happens for a reason that we cannot always see. And that’s about it. Faith without questioning, belief in everything you’re told that’s what religion is about. And maybe there’s nothing wrong with it. Why can’t we believe in a few fables if that’s what it takes to get through the tough times in life?? Why can’t we believe in a few rituals that help you to rebuild faith in yourself? Its only when that blind faith starts governing your life that it really is time to stop being so blind. Except that I can’t have that faith except when at the end of my tether and really hope that there was someone out there who could fix things that I can’t. Almost seems like I’m lying to myself.

Sometimes I think that long years back when people didn’t have answers to soooo many everyday questions they just had to create mystic beings to give some semblance of sense and meaning to their lives. Create an order amidst all that lack of information. But apparently they got very caught up in it as they passed it around and now here, centuries later still caught up in it. And now I’m not saying that we should just disregard everything religion says, as all it’s trying to do is instil values that would make life simpler. Wrap it up in colourful stories and sell it. And then things got out of hand with the churches and temples and the power play.

(There are lots of other problems that I have with various faiths but I'll go into the nitty-gritty details some other time!)

So yes, I don’t think there is a God, I don’t believe in all those things that various religions have to say. The only thing kind of God I can believe in is the energy. That’s the only thing that is omnipresent and omnipotent but I know I don’t have to bow before it and it will never punish me for not acknowledging. If anything I can harness it to achieve anything I want. That is all it is about!

Marriages are over-rated

I have never really talked about what I think about marriages. It always seemed like a very distant concept you know. (I'm not really sure if that makes sense but I hope you get what I mean.)

Anywho, marriages are highly over-rated according to me. I'll try to take this one, a step at a time. Why get married in the first place?? Various reasons include license to have sex (not so much anymore), license to reproduce, social pressures, convenience or in some cases love. Now the other reasons I don't really want to refute. But the last one..... Do you really need a certificate to commit to someone you truly love? Do you really need meaningless ceremonies and rituals to show your love for that someone? Is the presence of hundreds of people who hardly care for anything but the free food and booze and pretty dresses necessary when you make the most important promise of your life?? Why the show and the pretense?? If you truly love someone and would like to spend your life with him then do you need to be bound by a social contract?? 

(On a sidenote, I'm not really sure when one should get married. Somehow 'to whom' seems more important. Or maybe not. Ahhh well... )

Hence it seems utterly futile to me to put up a show for the entertainment of others. (Unless you want to wear pretty dresses and feel like a queen/king for a couple of days.... Marriage is probably the only thing where you get to do this unless you are a celebrity that is... )  And does it look like I care if a random judge in a derelict building recognises my commitment/marriage?!??!

Isn't it all just about being there for each other? About living life together as it comes no matter what? About doing that coz you want to and its fun, not because once you signed a piece of paper together. 

So if someday I decide to get married I'd like to elope. (This might also have to do something with the fact that I like the idea of running away.) Yes, not elope and go to the first temple on the way and get some random dude to perform meaningless rites but runaway to a beautiful place, probably a mountain or exceptionally tallllllll building considering my fascination for heights, and say 'I do' or the equivalent to each other in the presence of a rising sun. That would be more than enough to ensure that I try my best to give everything to a commitment that means a lot to me. I don't need functions and ceremonies to mark the marriage. I only need to hear it and say it without any witnesses except the two people who intend to keep that promise. And if this could be called a marriage that is how I'd like to be married. 

PS: The break from thinking is over now! :D

Even the seas didn't have an answer....

And I sat there and wondered why. Wondered why I was there. Wondered why I couldn't let go. Wondered why I wouldn’t let go.  Tried to find a meaning in all of it. Tried to make sense of it. But I couldn’t. I had no idea what the fuck was happening!!! And I didn’t want any of it. Not one bit of it.

The waves crashed against the shore. The soft, cool breeze brushed against my face and I tried to keep the hair off my face. It was the most soothing sound ever, that of the endless ocean crashing against the piece of land. The horizon lighted by a string of lights and undefined shapes. Shapes that could be anything that I wanted them to. Or just lights lighting the skyline into a brilliance that was almost indecent at that hour. And once again I looked at the ocean and hoped that all that beauty would show me some meaning, some sense, some reason. That fascinating expanse of dark waters holds many mysteries and yet no answers!! Yes, it was silly of me to expect it to give me some semblance of meaning.

You see the fact is that I have the answers and I know that. But I don’t want to look deep inside sometimes while at other times I just don’t have the courage to recognise these answers. Don’t we all deny things some times?? Just go along with things the way they are. And one day when you look around you wonder how you got there. Did you really want to be there? Is it where you want to be? And you know the worst thing is often you won’t get away. You’ll stick to it and try to find a reason. Any reason that would convince you that it is where you should be, where you want to be! But why do you want to do that!?? Yes, I know it is difficult to leave the comfort zone but all right things are not always simple. Once in a while it’s going to be tough and confusing but you can do it.

I know that was vague. It was meant to be.

Me: Part deux

WHEEEEE!!!!

And with the end of the exams here is Me: Part Deux. Once again I have no idea just how many things I want to write so we’ll see how it goes.

Obviously I’m self-obsessed.

Anyhoots here goes:

1.       I had a collection of over a 100 tinkles of which I was very proud and was utterly heartbroken when my mom threw it away.

(I had not read a single one for years and some of them might or might not have had fungal growth.)

2.       I love tee-shirts and jackets with hoods.

3.       I like buying the same things again.

4.       My attention span has now been reduced to that of a 1-yr old and its surprisingly easy to distract me with anything.

5.       I think laziness is a very good reason to skip lunch.

6.       I am not kidding when I say I want to retire and live in a French village.

7.       I absolutely detest doing my laundry. Why I can’t I just have disposable clothes or can’t some genie do it for me regularly?

8.       I like writing emails. They get me really high. :D Ofcourse now that I blog to bull-shit I don’t write emails that often.

9.       I have discovered that I am going to publish a book someday. How cool would that be!???!?

10.   I think writing in bullet points is really cool. I mean you don’t have to care about structure and shit.

11.   Like I can tell you that I am scared of Russia right after I told you that bullets are cool.

12.   Ya, I tend to associate Russia with mafia, dark alleys, cold cold streets and scary men who are weird.

13.   I was actually mistaken about my favourite colour for years!!

14.   Its amazing that the backs of our heads are almost as distinct as our faces.

15.   I fantasised solving mysteries when reading famous five’s when I was 11-12. I still have hope.

16.   I love making lists of all kinds. Lists of books I’ve read, books I want to read, movies I’ve seen and would like to see, things to do, things done, things about me, things about random people(I haven’t done that. Doesn’t mean I won’t though. ;) ), resolutions, wish list and many more. You get the point right?

17.   After reading twilight endlessly I once dreamt I was a vampire living with a family of vampires who played the weirdest/funny games. I still managed to sleep in my dream.

18.   One of the most retarded arguments of all times is whether girls are better than guys. Please don’t ever give me a generalised statement about girls/guys or try to get me into a related argument. I cringe and my mind goes...  “WOW he is retarded!!!!” involuntarily.

19.   “If I was a flower growing wild and free, all I’d want is you to be my sweet honey bee.”

20.   Ok finally finally after having written a bit too many random things about myself I’m finally bored of it. And 20 is a good number to stop. :D

SO long.....

Ya, that's me.

And so finally I’m doing this. I must write something where I don’t have to use my brains. (Not that they are exactly functional.)

Anyhoots as I start this I have no clue just how many random things I’m gonna write. You see I’ve done this before and let’s just say that the list turned out to be loooooong. Ya it is as yet unpublished.

Disclaimer: Oh and also I’m not listing things here coz I am proud of ‘em or its confession time or I’m trying to prove that I’m weird. Coz I'm not. You could probably say I’m self-obsessed and bored.

Here goes:

1.       I love melted dark chocolate.

2.       While bored and waiting for food I could lick salt from the plate. (using a finger or spoon ofcourse)

3.       I can carry on a conversation by talking at the same time as the other person. Normally the other person cannot.

4.       On the same note as #3 I can go on talking incessantly for atleast 5 mins without making any sense. Complete babble. (I also like the word psychobabble.)

5.       When I was around 6-7 I couldn’t sleep at night coz I thought I was going to die as I had swallowed a chewing gum. I had to wake up my mom to reaffirm otherwise.

6.       I do read the dictionary when extremely bored. Or on rare occasions when not bored.

7.       I like collecting used pens and refills.

7.    And I hate throwing plastic bags and bottles of any kind! Hence I prefer collecting them.

8.       There was this time when I tried counting the no. of hair on my head. I had to give up after 53492.

9.       I am still amused by balloons and bubbles.

10.   I like singing aloud when studying maths.

11.   I’m not sure how I manage it but somehow I manage to get addicted to random things a week before the exams. Who knew that these things even existed before this!???

12.   The best ideas I get are in the washroom. (Ya its my blog and I can say whatever I want.) Like you know HW that I have forgotten or new blog posts and how much work I still have left.

13.   One of the things on my bucket list is being in a car chase. I don’t care if I’m chasing or being chased but I’d die for either.

Ok maybe not really die you know.

14.   I’m not sure how but somehow I’ve managed to collect many white tops. I don’t even like white so much for that matter.

15.   I always pick the blue straw when getting a drink at the Igloos bubble tea stall and purple Gems.

16.   I don’t swim often since I am scared that the water will seep through my skin and then the muscles and all will just become soggy.

17.   Now if u asked why that wouldn’t happen when I bathe.... Chlorine!??!? DUH!!

*rolls eyes with hands on hips*

18.   I still don’t understand how people can bite their nails. I have tried and I just can’t do it!!!

And yes I think it’s a wee bit disgusting.

19.   Sometimes if I’m fascinated by a word I like to keep using it.

20.   The latest word is ‘anywho’ and I like all forms of the word like anyhoots, anyhoodle, anyhoosits, anyho, anywhoops, anyholl etc...  (I’m still trying to make new ones and I haven’t had a chance to use all of these yet.)

21.   I like having cereal for lunch and dinner.

22.   Books.

23.   #8 and #16 are lies.

24.   I had to use the word books in atleast one of the points. For obvious reasons.

25.   I am not really very health conscious since I have faith in medicine and human brain. By the time I really screw myself they’ll figure out something.

26.   If you noticed that I’ve used 7 twice let me know how long it took you and what was the first thought that popped into your mind. I can predict your future with that.

27.   The only thing I am superstitious about is the number 7. I really think it’s magical.

28.   I actually stapled my thumb once. And you know how I did it?!?! I was pressing it hard to see how far I could go without stapling my thumb.

29.   I really need a P.A. (personal asst.)  DAMMIT!!

30.   I know u know what P.A. is but I hadn’t used brackets for quite some time.

Ya.... That's me... 

PS: If you knew more than 27 of those I'd like to know who you are!

 

50 posts old

“It was a long and pleasant journey and yes, even though I’m nowhere near the end I’d like to take this moment and thank some people and things for being there for me. Reaching the 50^th post is like crossing a milestone.

*gets touchy and waves at the world*

(yes, I know I should’ve waved and blown kisses earlier but I forgot and it’s never late!!)

And so I would like to thank pancakes, Matt Damon, the sky and the moon, my laptop (really truly), rain Gods for clouds, thunder and lightning (Ohhh I can't stress enough just how awesome they are!! :D), random people who amuse me and the random people who don’t, the word random (yes, it’s one of my favourites as you might have noticed. :D And even though I don’t think we are ever truly random I love the word. I’ll come to that some other time.) and brackets. My fascination for brackets is ever-lasting and I’m grateful to them for always being there for me. And yes I think the windows of my room deserve a special mention. Seeing my reflection in them all pensive and what is great for my writing/ranting skills. And ofcourse I get to look at the moon, sky, random people and PGP through them.

*gets all starry eyed and looks into the distance*

And lastly I would like to thank Dewey. Your presence has made all the difference and continue to be there for us. Dewey bless you!

Now when I look at the blog I’m pretty much proud of myself. There, are posts that I’d like to remove and some that I like but then I think I’ll keep it the way it is. All those posts, good and bad are just a part of it.

(Darn did I just get cheesy there?!?? Please excuse me but it’s 5:45 in the morning and I’m trying to get over a blog-block.)

*A final bow to a loud applause*”

Best philosophy ever!

Excerpt from Malcolm in the Middle:

Dewey: Like Pastor Roy said, that God's so much bigger and wiser than us that trying to see what he is thinking is like ants trying to see what I am thinking.

Church Lady: Exactly, but we can trust in his wisdom and we can have faith that he is watching over us.

Dewey: Like me with the ant hill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants. Trying to figure out which ones were good and which ones were bad but they all looked liked just ants, so I started smiting all of them. I was smiting them with the garden hose and with lighter fluid and with the lawn mower and to be perfectly honest I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard 'em. There was nothing they could do about it.

Church Lady: But I think that is..... 

Dewey: There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it. Hey this is making me feel better. 

Church Lady: That is good but.... 

Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible and try not to dwell over God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!!

Church Lady:  

Incase it isnt obvious she is looking for a shovel!

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

If there is one thing (among a few others) that really really pisses me royally, it is having to wait for people. I absolutely canot stand it!! It is fucking irritating and blows off my short fuse. I shall never understand why people cannot value time. Someone else's time?!???

OK I'll try to get my brain to accept that you don't give a crap about time but you understand how to read time right??? Then why can't you just tell me that instead of half an hour you'll take an hour??? Is that so difficult for you to understand??? Atleast I won't go mad trying to figure out in just how many seconds you might appear and where exactly you might have reached now and how I should occupy my impatient brain cause someone doesn't know what time it is. And have we forgotten about this thing called cell-phone that allows you to give me instant updates on your progress??? It is not meant to be used to tell me that "I'll be right there" when you are going to take 20 more mins. I'm sorry but I'll have to enlighten you that "right there" is not equal to 20 mins. Not in my dictionary. 

Yes, if you made me wait for long rest assured you might just have ruined my day. (I know I might be exaggerating but you can imagine how anoyed I am.)

And just to clarify that doesn't mean I'm never late. Even I can't help it. But apart from the worst guilt pangs ever the whole time (trust me I am more impatient than you are at the waiting end!!) I won't tell you 5 more mins when clearly I mean 15!!!!! And yeah yeah this doesn't excuse me completely so feel free to be pissed.

Yes, being an Indian and having lived with Indians for so long I should probably get used to it by now but thank heavens I am not. It still pisses me off as much as ever!!

"I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy."

Gloria Jean's

Having been stuck in the hostel forever me and Vids decided to get out this Saturday and take a break. (A major motivation could also have been the cafe vouchers that she had which were about to expire!!)

And that is what we did. Went to Vivocity and utilised the voucher while checking out the mall and dozens of random stores till we were tired of walking.

Highlights/achievements/discoveries of the evening:

1. Hats are cool and I'm fascinated by them. The only reason I din't buy it was I couldn't convince myself that it was worth 18 bucks just for the sake of taking pictures. If you have better reasons please help me since I would love to buy it.



2. Gloria Jean's rocks since they let you add as much chocolate sauce as you want!! On. Your. Own. Cool or what!! And hence we had the most chocolatey drinks ever (without the sauce they were pretty bland btw) since me and Vids took turns at adding ample amounts. Ample by "our standards". (We are classy like that.) Pretty surprised that noone said anything though.




You see right?!?!

3. I got Vids to stick out her tongue and get a pic!! (Achievement if you please!!!)




4. Wine stores are cool places to take pics. But so as not to be kicked out you must listen to the owner blabbering about wines for 2:38 mins before excusing yourself.




5. Reinstated the belief that its ok to look a little foolish if you know you are not coming to that place soon. (Doesn't mean you can make a complete ass of yourself! Its a life ban for that. Kidding. Maybe.)



6. Nat Geo rocks. ABSOLUTELY. It is the most amazing store/company ever. And it has been added to the list of companies I'd like to work with. Sadly we were out of battery and don't have pics for that one. Which means we're definitely going again.

7. If the cafe has good coffee and you have finally managed to get a couch its ok not to blame them for not being a part of the Earth Hour though some people have different opinions :P. We did contemplate telling them to switch of some lights but for some reason din't. Yes I can be flexible. :D




8. Vids attempts to look sober. Let it be known this was the 6th take!!



9. Twas a fun evening. :D

I bow to thee

I have never really been religious ever since I can remember. Yes, as a kid, parents and school taught me to bow before a God but I started questioning soon. I'm not really sure when I became an agnostic/atheist (depending on which day you ask me) but I know I was never religious. I've hardly been to a temple except when forced by my dad. Even before I had the sense to see through the biggest farce called religion I remember arguing with my dad that if I really want to pray I don't need to go to a temple since I can do that at home.

(I still haven't won that one!!)

And his response was never really much of an argument but more of a sulky expression overflowing with distaste at my ridiculous notions and never being one to lose ground it just resulted in a nasty argument(One of the few I've had with dad). In the end my mom would convince me to just go since ya dad wanted me to and it takes just a bit of my time and effort. Noone ever understood that it doesn't change what I believe!! Even today we have the same scene over and over again.

I cannot have the same faith he has and he can't accept that. In fact it takes all my patience and effort to keep my absolute disdain in check considering some of the people I've met. Mom on the other hand is more of a rational believer if that is possible. I prefer her way of thinking since she doesn't take rituals and rites for their face value. She doesn't have much patience for those but rather has a deeper spiritual and philosophical approach to religion and God.

Anywho I was distracted there and that was not the point of this post.

The point was this video. (Yes, I've wanted to put up a video for quite sometime and finally I've found something I would really like to post!! :D) This chap is BRILLIANT. One of the best I've ever seen. And I bow to him.