Honesty

As I read through the pages of Brooke Farmer over a considerable part of yesterday I realised something. The common thing about all my favourite bloggers is the fact that they are brutally honest about themselves and their lives and I value that. It's a part of what makes them awesome.


I have always shied from that. Baring my soul to leave exposed the very vulnerable parts of me. My fears, anxieties, beliefs, aspirations and everything that digs a hole in the core of who I am. To discuss that on a blog that I protected from ever being found seemed inconceivable. Still seems. The few times I crave to let those feelings surface I prefer shooting arrows in the dark. I disguise them in the cloak of vagueness and hope no one ever sees them from what they are. In fact, I have probably mastered the act of doing so. How people discuss love and heartbreak, fears and despair, the past and the baggage is beyond me! And, even as I type this I know to most I sound crazy for I see no rational reason myself! Protect myself from hurt? Maybe. The safety of the dark? Maybe. Trust? I don't know. Honestly these are the common reasons anyone would venture and I wouldn't know what applies to me.

This is not to say I lie. (Well, I'm sure I've told that occasional lie but you know what I mean) Every opinion on this blog holds. Or at least did when I wrote it though I may have reformed some of my views. And yet, as of today I've shared the link with very few people. The fear of approval that I refuse to accept. That struggle between not wanting to be judged and yet being okay with the judgment. The fear of opening up more than I want. Isn't it better to hide? 

As I read these blogs I can't help but ask myself will I ever get where these bloggers are? Is it courage I need? Courage to tell the random reader what I fought with, what I achieved, what are my insecurities and what I am proud of. More importantly, do I want to?

When I started writing, I didn't want to spill my life on an online public diary. A few years after this journey started I am ready to make a change. Or at least try to(Clearly I still need that refuge of shooting arrows in the dark)!